Speaking of early parenthood, I came across a humorous article I wrote when Athena was but a month old, in which explain how, in the early days at least, having a child around is pretty much like having a new pet -- a particularly useless new pet. I'm posting it behind the cut.
Kind of a funny story here. When Krissy and I moved into our house in Virginia, the neighbors came around to introduce themselves and would ask us what we did. Krissy would say that she worked for a property management company (which she did), while I would say I'm a writer. And then it was like a neon sign would light up over my head, visible only to my neighbors: "BUM." Which is not to say they weren't nice people -- we had great neighbors, in fact -- just that I suspect they thought I was getting a bit of a free ride. Since I walked around unshaven and in sweats most of the time, this was not an unreasonable assumption to make.
Then Athena was born, I wrote this article, and it appeared on the front page of the Sunday Life section of the Washington Post. And then all my neighbors came around again and said, "wow, you really are a writer!" Or words more or less to that effect. Which, you know. I found amusing.
Here's the article.
THE FIFTH SMARTEST MAMMAL
By John Scalzi
Athena celebrated her one month birthday last Saturday by spitting up what she had been drinking and then staying up all night and making a lot of noise. This pleased me immensely; she's already preparing for college life. Her mother and I, on the other hand, spent some time trying to encapsulate the whole parent-child relationship thus far, something that defines everything we are as caregivers and custodians of this small being. Here's what we've come up with so far: "John and Kristine: We haven't dropped her yet!" Which is absolutely true as far as Krissy knows, and I'll thank you not to tell her any differently.
We're also trying to explain life with baby to our unprogenated friends, who are curious, and understandably so. Having a baby is like suddenly sprouting a second head: The attention you get at the start is nice, but at the end of it, it's just another mouth to feed. Our friends want to know if the benefits outweigh the detriments. If they are one day to have children of their own (or, alternately, graft another head onto their spinal column), they need to have some inkling of what it's like, in terms they can appreciate.
I can't help them with that second head thing. But the parenthood issue is another matter. Here's what I tell them: One month in, it's like having another pet. And not a very clever pet at that -- at this point in her life, Athena is the fifth smartest mammal in the house, after the dog and the cat.
The proof is borne out in the following basic skills test, comparing the cat, the dog, and the baby (for the purposes of this discussion, we'll make the assumption that both my wife and I are smarter than each of the three, because my wife actually is, and since I'm writing this thing, I get to give myself a pass):
Name Recognition:
Dog: Yes; always comes running, tail wagging, like a big happy fool.
Cat: Yes; will come, if thinks food/petting is forthcoming.
Baby: No; responds equally to "Athena," "Tiffany," "Booger," or "Suitcase."
Sanitation:
Dog: Leaves house.
Cat: Stays in house, but covers up mess.
Baby: Wallows in her own poo.
Verbal Commands:
Dog: Understands and complies.
Cat: Understands and ignores.
Baby: Stares google-eyed.
Can It Walk?
Dog: Yes, a sprightly gait.
Cat: Yes, like Orson Welles on four legs.
Baby: No; can't sit up without flopping over like a boneless chicken.
I know, this sounds like a terrible slam on our daughter, something which, years from now, will cause some therapist somewhere to give Athena the once over and think: Here's how I'm getting that new sailboat. So let me clarify, if only to save on future insurance deductibles. First, I'm not saying Athena is a pet. She's not. Eventually she'll have to earn her way in the world by doing something other than being cute and allowing herself to be petted every now and again (unless, of course, she joins the cast of "Cats"). Second, unlike the dog and the cat, Athena has yet to crest on the learning curve. She will yet learn to read, speak, and wield tools; that's what you get for having a forebrain and opposable thumbs.
But let's be honest. At one month, every human being is a drooling idiot. Even the great human beings of history stewed (adorably, I'm sure) in their own saliva. At that age, the only musical thing Mozart did was burp on key. Georgia O'Keefe couldn't even finger paint. And there may have been Lincoln Logs, but they weren't the kind you'd want to play with. I love my daughter, so I'm not going to burden her with unrealistic expectations. If the one month old Abe Lincoln did nothing but wiggle like a wind-up toy and wait for someone to feed him, I can hardly complain when my child does the same.
Anyway, I don't mind. In fact, it's sort of a relief. At this point in the game, the baby has four basic needs: To be fed, to be burped, to have her diaper changed and to be held. That's it. I can deal with these four things, especially since they tend to be done in a fairly rapid sequence, and I get my reward immediately: When the baby is fed, burped, changed and held, she goes to sleep. I win. Contrast this to your basic teen, whose needs are many and contradictory (for the example, the need for total, unhindered freedom coupled with the need to access your bank account). The only thing that stays the same is that the teenager also frequently sleeps, though it's usually through the first few periods of class. Not much of a reward there.
More to the point, I'm giving our friends a concept they can understand. Most of them have pets, after all. The news that a baby is not unlike another pet must give them some reassurance that they'll be able to handle it well when their own baby arrives, at least in the critical early months.
Just as long as they don't take the baby to get fixed. The analogy only goes so far.
Comments (18)
I look forward to the day that I become a 'real' writer. It's a good thing that I have a 'real' job. I don't want to upset my neighbors, which unlike yours, kinda suck.
Posted by CosmicDog | July 14, 2007 12:27 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 12:27
And what does Athena think of your article, now that she is SMARTER than you? "Hideous Arse Candle", perhaps?
Oh well, cute story, and thanks for sharing. Or something.
--Jerry
Posted by Jerry Wright | July 14, 2007 12:30 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 12:30
Did anyone know where to buy a chili stick in Georgia?
Posted by Kat | July 14, 2007 1:07 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 13:07
Good writing.
Smart analogies.
I laughed.
Consider it a job well done, even if it is years in the past.
Posted by Chuck Wahl | July 14, 2007 2:28 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 14:28
This will be something to reflect upon when Athena enters those inevitably turbulant teen years. Then you can say to yourself, "Remember when all she needed was food, burping, a clearn diaper and a hug? Those were the days!" Since both stages result in chronic sleep deprivation, you will be nostalgic, oh yes.
Posted by Janiece | July 14, 2007 2:38 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 14:38
Great piece, very true.
Now, go shave.
Posted by Sean | July 14, 2007 2:39 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 14:39
You're not the boss of me!
Posted by John Scalzi | July 14, 2007 2:40 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 14:40
My dad tells this story of my babyhood: "Babies don't do much. When you were born, our cat had kittens at the same time. And I have to say, the kittens were *a lot* more fun."
Posted by Rennie | July 14, 2007 4:45 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 16:45
Okay, the Lincoln Log comment made me giggle.
Personally, I am at the stage now where I'm constantly saying, "Why on earth are you taking off that crappy diaper? Wallow in it! Wallow!No, don't put it the...Ahh!"
To all the new and expecting parents out there: Invest in rug cleaner.
Posted by Kate Baker | July 14, 2007 4:47 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 16:47
I make up jobs to upset my neighbors.
AND I label my wireless router, "PATRICKS_INTERNET_PORN_NETWORK"
Oddly, none of my neighbors try to borrow my bandwidth.
Posted by Patrick M. | July 14, 2007 5:11 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 17:11
Patrick, that's effing brilliant. I'm going to rename mine.
Posted by Dean | July 14, 2007 6:43 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 18:43
We were tempted to name our wireless router "Virus Research and Containment Network" but we didn't want to tempt anyone.
[I do wonder at people who give their street address to their wireless networks. Isn't that just a signpost to thieves for which houses have expensive high-tech equipment.]
Posted by Lis Riba | July 14, 2007 7:53 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 19:53
Hmmm. I don't really consider wireless expensive or high-tech.
Posted by Patrick M. | July 14, 2007 8:12 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 20:12
"I don't really consider wireless expensive or high-tech."
Yeah, but if you're running a wireless network in home, you probably have some other interesting stuff...
Posted by CosmicDog | July 14, 2007 11:40 PM
Posted on July 14, 2007 23:40
When our son was born I wondered at what point he would pass the dogs in intelligence. I clocked it at three months. He didn't have any of the fine motor skills to let you know things were going on in his head, but you could see it all the same. It's like a light bulb, ping! Somebody's home!
Posted by Matt Jarpe | July 15, 2007 11:11 AM
Posted on July 15, 2007 11:11
So nobody's home in a dog's head? I see that light bulb all the time, looking in my dog's eyes. I bet it was there before three months, too.
Humans definitely surpass canid intelligence when they learn to speak, maybe earlier, but not at three months. Not even close.
And does anybody really think Dubya will ever pass Barney?
;)
Posted by ksnake | July 15, 2007 4:17 PM
Posted on July 15, 2007 16:17
I used to get new parents very upset by comparing raising young babies to training puppies (somewhat unfavorably). I'm glad to see that I'm not alone in that opinion!
Of course new parents are a little wierd. I remember when my son came and threw up in my lap. My first thought was "Thank goodness! He managed to miss the rug!"
Posted by CJ | July 16, 2007 1:15 PM
Posted on July 16, 2007 13:15
My favorite advice to new parents. "He's very cute now, But wait till he calls you from jail!
Posted by tentb | July 18, 2007 1:20 AM
Posted on July 18, 2007 01:20