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June 11, 2007

The Creation Museum Photoshoppery Continues Unabated

This one's from Christian DeBaun:


In real life, those dinosaurs would be standing in my neighbor's hay field. I suspect he'd come out in his golf cart to chase them away. That would be funny as hell.

I've got a few more of these in e-mail, which I'll post later; and of course if you want to send new Creation Museum-related Photoshoppery, by all means please do. It'll ameliorate my pain at the prospect of having to go.

For all those who are wondering, the drive to force me to visit the Creation Museum is proceeding poorly -- that is, poorly for me, since its end result is likely to have me schlepping my ass down to northern Kentucky. You're all bastards, is what I have to say to that.

Posted by john at June 11, 2007 08:49 AM

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chang, myspacier than ever! | June 11, 2007 09:25 AM

Soon as I find out where the #$%^$%^%^ city of Portland, ME towed my !@#$ truck, I'm going to the bank and donating to the "Send Scalzi to Kentucky to mess with Jesus Christ Scientists" fund.

Sean | June 11, 2007 09:31 AM

I'll be donating shortly.

I also would like to share your Dino-Drive Fundraiser Challenge with readers on my site, so I hope you don't mind if I *cough* borrow *cough* the amazing image from this post.

By the way, when you go to the Museum's gift shop, if you see them selling any Adams caught in amber (like this: http://amberlady.com/fossils.htm ) please pick one up for me. I'll pay you back.

Steve Buchheit | June 11, 2007 09:34 AM

Chang, the Church of Jesus Christ, Scientist is a whole nother ball of theology.

Steve Buchheit | June 11, 2007 09:37 AM

Wait, are those people wearing ties riding the dinosaurs? That's just so wrong.

chang, myspacier than ever! | June 11, 2007 09:41 AM

My fiend in Ohio Mr. Steve,

Oh, yes I know! I did a paper on Mary Baker Eddy in college! I have a copy of the biography of her that the church actively sought out and burned most of the printing. How I got the copy I am not at liberty to say.

Perhaps I should have called them "Jesus Fake Scientist" in the above comment?

Anonymous | June 11, 2007 10:02 AM

Your quest (or our quest concerning you) has made usenet. From rec.arts.sf.written (subject: Send John Scalzi to the creation museum)

In the grand tradition of rasfw's "Send Dr. Hyde to The Day After
Tomorrow", John Scalzi had volunteered to visit the brand new
multi-million dollar Creation Museum that has been in the news lately.
It appears to be just down the street from him or something.

Now, while TDAT was undoubtedly particularly painful for William Hyde,
being a university professor in a climate-related field (sorry
William, I forget exactly what you're a professor of) I'm sure the
sheer painful earnest ridiculousness of the Creation Museum will be
more than sufficiently torturous for Scalzi.

He will travel to the museum and provide a first hand account if he
receives at least $250 in donations by next Friday. The money will be
donated to "Americans United for Seperation of Church and State". At
least that's the plan. Some of it would probably have to pay my legal
fees if I were going, since I would probably go crazy and start
smashing stuff.

Anyway, if you're interesting read about it here:


I contributed to the "Day After Tomorrow" experiment and LWE's
pay-to-write novel, so I'm clearly a sucker for this sort of thing and
am chipping in.


Kate | June 11, 2007 10:55 AM

You're all bastards, is what I have to say to that.

I take serious offense to that! How could you say something so totally heartbreaking and mean!

I'm a woman dammit.

It's 'bitch' not 'bastard'. Get it right. ;)

Diatryma | June 11, 2007 11:05 AM

Christian DeBaun, I am now laughing. Heeee.

Andrew | June 11, 2007 11:33 AM

Kate, I hate to be a pedant but technically a bastard is someone who is born of parents out of wedlock.

Either boy or girls could be born in the state of bastardy.

Bitch on the other hand can only be used for women; it is a nasty word that has some sexist connotations, especially when it is a man calling a woman that.

Sorry, but "bastard" is one of my favourite insults; I just want to make sure everyone knows what it means.


John H | June 11, 2007 11:37 AM

Andrew, it takes a right bastard to come down on Kate like that. Now apologize...

Christian | June 11, 2007 11:41 AM

Shhhh! Stop posting my name!

I'm trying to keep my Google profile as low key as possible. I might need to pitch my resume to the Vatican some day, and this isn't helping!

Imani | June 11, 2007 11:42 AM

"I can see the sinner's compound!" cracks me up every time. How appropriate that that image looks like it was taken out of my Christian children's fiction I used to read when I was a kid. Those were the days when I read anything I could get my hands and enjoyed 99.99% -- funny how even then I found the heavy moralising and boring plots something of a bother.

John Scalzi | June 11, 2007 11:43 AM

Well, you know, Christian, the Vatican is down with evolution (as opposed to down on evolution), so you should be fine.

Kate | June 11, 2007 11:53 AM


Thank you for your definition. Yet John calling me a bastard still doesn't work because the problem with John calling me that word by your definition is that, fortunately, I am not. So it wouldn't be nearly the dastardly insult that John originally wanted it to be.

Alas, 'bitch' is much more of a stinger, because at times (such as now), I am one.


Jim Wright | June 11, 2007 12:43 PM

Bastard? Damn you, Scalzi, how could you possibly know that? And besides, my parents did get married - eventually.

On the other hand, I don't have to go to the Creation Museum bawahahahahahah! Oh, and make sure you get a picture of yourself riding the little Stegosaur.

Camron | June 11, 2007 01:14 PM

Andrew -

If a child is born out of wedlock, but claimed by his/her father and given his/her father's name at birth, is he/she still a bastard?

(I've wondered, and since you seem an expert...)

Old Jarhead | June 11, 2007 02:16 PM

Old man is in a very ratty nursing home where he has been placed by his sons. He is on his deathbed and his sons are attending. He beckons them close.

"Boys, before I go I need to tell you something. I didn't marry your mother until after you both were born!"

The sons are taken aback.

"You mean..... you mean that we're BASTARDS?" One of them chokes out.

"Yes!" the old man snaps, "and cheap ones too!"

[Sound of rim shot]

Old Jarhead

Anne C. | June 11, 2007 02:34 PM

John, one of the best things about your site is the Photoshop experts you have sending you brilliant posters. I thought the Scalzi as Fred was good, but this one is amazing. I agree with Imani about "I can see the sinner's compound!" Hilarious. Bravo, Christian (the person, not the adjective)!

Buck | June 11, 2007 03:57 PM


Historically, bastardy was an issue because of the succession of royal lines and the devisement (divvying-up) of estates, real and otherwise. Bastards could be recognized in order for a desired outcome.

In my field, immigration law, the child is known as "an adultarine child" and not a bastard. They can be recognized after the fact and be given immigration benefits.

Rance | June 11, 2007 04:19 PM

I read an account by an early visitor. They claim that coal doesn't take eons to form. It can be created in a couple of weeks. They seem to have found the answer to our energy problems and don't even realize it.

I may down there myself. I may be able to figure out enough about instant coal to patent it. I'm going to be livin' off the fat of the lan'.

Jim Wright | June 11, 2007 05:31 PM

Having had time to think about this, I have to ask: What, exactly, is a "Bible Cannon?"

Also, the fact that in the picture, the holy joes are wearing little ties, like Mormon missionaries just friggin' kills me. Well done, Christian (the person, not the adjective - as Anne said).

Diana Pharaoh Francis | June 11, 2007 05:40 PM

Have you seen this about "Adam" in the museum video?



Tom Scudder | June 11, 2007 06:48 PM

I believe the Biblical Cannon was set in the second century AD, though I'm unclear at just what point the apocrypha were included in the catholic version/disincluded from the orthodox/prot version. (They're not in the orthodox version, right?)

Cassie | June 11, 2007 07:13 PM

The apocryphal books are indeed in the Orthodox Christian canon.

Bill Higgins-- Beam Jockey | June 11, 2007 07:25 PM

Does the path take you through the Cincinatti area? If it does, you can ameliorate your pain by also visiting the Vent Haven, the museum of ventriloquism. See http://venthavenmuseum.net/index.html.

I expect I'll see you in Kansas City next month.

Omaha Lisa | June 11, 2007 07:34 PM

"You're all bastards, is what I have to say to that. "

And yet you still love us.

Jon H | June 11, 2007 09:10 PM

BEHOLD! The promised land of milk and honey! We just have to slaughter the heathens who are squatting there. I hear they sacrifice their own children, or at least post photoshopped images of them on the Tube. But I digress. RELEASE THE APATOSAUR!

Josh | June 11, 2007 09:26 PM

I read the arstechnica writeup on the "museum" and some of it was even more absurd than I imagined. They apparently have a display addressing the fact that in the beginning incest would have been necessary for the human race to proliferate. Apparently, sleeping with your sister was ok back in olden days because there was less sin, so God hadn't yet invented the genetic issues that inbreeding tends to excacerbate.

Good to know that if we could fix those genetic issues the creationists would be ok with sibling on sibling action again.

I have a new slogan for evolutionists "No matter what the circumstances, we still think sleeping with your sister is icky"

Mary Fitzpatrick | June 11, 2007 10:28 PM

If you "schlep your ass down to northern Kentucky" (Which is not quite Siberia or outter Mongolia by the way) I'll buy you dinner.

Mary Fitzpatrick | June 11, 2007 10:52 PM

Forgot to add, according to the AIG people what the Vatican says about evolution doesn't matter, 'cause Catholics are pagan idol worshipers not Christians.

Jim Wright | June 12, 2007 12:03 AM

Tom Scudder: I believe the Biblical Cannon was set in the second century AD...

Ahhh a pun. Death is too good for you, my friend - even death by frenzied velociraptors (which of course couldn't happen, because velociraptors were vegans).

Jeff Hentosz | June 12, 2007 12:09 AM

Seriously now, Bible cannons (note the two "n"s) are self-explanatory. They're used to shoot Bibles at houses fronted by 100+ feet of lawn, especially when there are large Akita dogs waiting near the door to tear out your larynx and buzzards circling overhead. Fun Fact: cannons very similar to those used by the dinovangelists are also used during Reds home games to shoot hot dogs and T-shirts into the crowd.

Back me up here, Christian.

Christian | June 12, 2007 08:42 AM

Back me up here, Christian

Bible Cannons, Holy Water Flame Throwers, Hymnal Mortars - yep, they've got em' all. It's the Pterodactyl Bombers that can drop the loaves and fish, that REALLY scare me.

Kes | June 12, 2007 10:38 AM

This here is the greatest thing ever written about the Creation Museum:


It so needs to be a graphic novel.

Jim Wright | June 12, 2007 12:23 PM

...used by the dinovangelists are also used during Reds home games to shoot hot dogs and T-shirts into the crowd...

Damn you, Jeff, I literally spit coffee down the front of my shirt.

Also, I learned a new word: "dinovangelists." Man, that's just ... funny as all hell (heh).

Steve Buchheit | June 13, 2007 11:54 AM

Dang it, thanks to Christian I'm now playing the Monty Python and the Holy Grail "Holy Handgrenade" skit in my head. That's going to be there for days.

Love Rhino | June 13, 2007 12:35 PM

If you haven't seen this already, I suspect you'll enjoy it very much: the same literalist interpretation of the Bible "proves" that the value of pi is 3.0.

For my money, what makes the article pure, uncut awesome is the list of additional subjects that may no longer be taught in schools. On the other hand, I must admit that if I had been given the choice of embracing "Young Earth" Creationism as a valid means to wriggle out of taking high school trigonometry, I would have gleefully saddled up my vegan velociraptor and called myself a Dinosaur Cowboy for Christ.

John H | June 13, 2007 12:51 PM

Aww, but trigonometry is fun!

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