« 2006 Nebula/Norton Nominees | Main | My New AIM Account »

February 27, 2007

They Got the Idea From the Lesbian Seagull


Oh noes!! The kolalas have gone all Lilith Fair!

Female koalas indulge in lesbian "sex sessions", rejecting male suitors and attempting to mate with each other, sometimes up to five at a time, according to researchers.
The furry, eucalyptus-eating creatures appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual.
Scientists monitoring the marsupials with digital cameras counted three homosexual interactions for every heterosexual one.

I for one am waiting the imminent arrival of LezMarsupial.com, showing only the finest in hawt same-sex koala-on-koala action. My credit card is at the ready!

(No, LezMarsupial.com doesn't really exist. But I bet by the end of the day, someone will register it.)

I have no reason for posting this. I just think it's funny. Especially the headline for the story at the link: "Australia rocked by 'lesbian' koala revelation" Really? Rocked? Is Australia going to kick the koalas out of the house, so that they tearfully have to show up on New Zealand's doorstep? Personally, I can't imagine the Australians I know going anything other than "you go, situationally lesbian koalas!" Because the Australians I know are all cool like that.

Also, "Situationally Lesbian Koalas" is the name of my next band.

Update, 6:44pm: Look! It's Lezmarsupial.com! No, I didn't do it.

Posted by john at February 27, 2007 01:29 PM

Trackback Pings

TrackBack URL for this entry:


Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 01:47 PM

It's those frigging hot, pendulous black noses. And eucalyptus makes you hiiiiiiggghghhhhhh!!! No wonder they're all over each others hot, plumps, furry rumps.

And of course you're all over it. They are furrie after all.

John Scalzi | February 27, 2007 01:49 PM

Hey, man. Marsupials are not my thing. Too many pouches.

Jamie | February 27, 2007 01:54 PM

Personally, I'd go with Lesbian Koala Orgy for a band name.

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 01:55 PM

Oh, shit, Scalzi! That's my new sig file!!!

How many is too many pouches, though?

John Scalzi | February 27, 2007 01:57 PM

Chang, if you have to ask...

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 01:58 PM

I'll ask my brother. His ex-wife's from Ohio.

Ray | February 27, 2007 01:59 PM

Such dirty minds...
They are playing choo choo train!

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 02:01 PM

Koala's running train. That's messed up. But I guess you could make a fortune in DVD's with it!

Wakboth | February 27, 2007 02:04 PM

I wonder what the "homosexuality is an unnatural perversion" people think of these news. Gay penguins were bad enough (they're so smartly dressed, after all), but this is a really low blow...

Amanda | February 27, 2007 02:06 PM

Augh! I saw the pic and just about did a spit take on my keyboard. Stupid work and people spying on me.

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 02:07 PM

Okay, my brother says woman from Ohio most definitely do not have pouches, and that it's a vicious lie to say they do.

It's Canadians women that have pouches. Celine Dion for instance.

Dr. Phil | February 27, 2007 02:07 PM

Look to the physicist to worry about methodology. Without even going to the link and reading the article, I already wonder: (1) is it possible to have the same density of digital cameras in the wild to observe what they saw in captivity and (2) do wild koalas ever have the same population density as they do in captivity.

In other words, it is that they aren't seeing what they aren't seeing, or does the more open space in the wild change things enough to explain the differences.

A few years ago I wondered who was buying all those X-10 Wi-Fi digital spy cameras that were advertised EVERYWHERE -- apparently it was Australian koala researchers.

Dr. Phil

Steve Buchheit | February 27, 2007 02:10 PM

"appear to develop this tendency for same-sex liaisons when they are in captivity. In the wild, they remain heterosexual."

Koala "Chicks in Prison" Films.

And I'm glad Chang did the furry joke. It was getting tiring keeping that one going.

TransDutch | February 27, 2007 02:11 PM

There is something deeply wrong with me.

I saw LezMarsupial.com and thought about an All Marsupial Cast of Les Miserables.

And I thought about registering it myself. For about 2-4 seconds.

TransDutch | February 27, 2007 02:16 PM

for those who didn't know...

GoDaddy is currently having a sale on the .info domains. You can buy lezmarsupial.info for $1/year. (.com is gonna cost you $9)

No...I decided even $1 was too high.

Ray | February 27, 2007 02:17 PM

Perhaps they are Baptist Church leaders CAUGHT playing Choo Choo train...

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 02:20 PM

Am I the only one who is tired of heearing about the Lesbian Baptist Koalas? When will they just come out and admit they have the hots for each others pouches.

I think pouches could be kind of sexy. You could keep stuff in there, like tissues, gum, breathmints, snacks for afterwards, maybe a little something to read.

Nah, sounds too much like my grandma's handbag.

Steve Buchheit | February 27, 2007 02:27 PM

Chang, your grandma kept stuff in her purse for afterwards? Too much information.

suzanne | February 27, 2007 02:30 PM

Koalas DO exhibit homosexual characteristics
in the wild
and this is old news
for the real dope on
homosexuality in the animal Kingdom
read Bruce Bagemihl's
Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity

He writes about the tendency of those who want to close their eyes to this
saying it's all about captivity
or of not having memebers of the opposite sex around . . .

Ray | February 27, 2007 02:31 PM

FYI..F├╝rchten Sie den Beutel! (Fear the pouch!)
From dictionary.com

Definition for "Pouch"

1. A bag, sack, or similar receptacle, esp. one for small articles or quantities: a tobacco pouch.

2. A small moneybag.

3. A bag for carrying mail.

4. A bag or case of leather, used by soldiers to carry ammunition.

5. Something shaped like or resembling a bag or pocket.

6. Chiefly Scot. a pocket in a garment.

7. A baggy fold of flesh under the eye.

8. Anatomy, Zoology. a baglike or pocketlike part; a sac or cyst, as the sac beneath the bill of pelicans, the saclike dilation of the cheeks of gophers, or the receptacle for the young of marsupials.

Amanda | February 27, 2007 02:39 PM

Hey! Chang, I do NOT have a pouch! And please, please don't think Celine is anything like the rest of us! She's a government experi-, I mean she's just a freak of nature.

kate.baker@gmail.com | February 27, 2007 02:49 PM

Do not, I repeat DO NOT search google.com for lesbian animals in order to get a witty comment to post here on the Whatever.

The Horror... oh the horror.

After I stop laughing, I'm going to seek some counselling.

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 02:49 PM

Sorry, my brother married a Canadian. This is what he said.

She does look too skinny to have a pouch, though.

Laurie Mann | February 27, 2007 03:03 PM


No, no one has registered "LezMarsupial.com" yet.

I'm the one who registered "BetonTed.com" a few weeks back, so that's my joke site registration for now!

Adam Rakunas | February 27, 2007 03:04 PM

Koala "Chicks in Prison" Films.

"Pouched Heat," coming to a drive-in near you!

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 03:07 PM


Do not, I repeat DO NOT search google.com for lesbian animals in order to get a witty comment to post here on the Whatever.

Great. There goes the whole afternoon. And night.

Kate | February 27, 2007 03:09 PM

ROFLS at Chang.

See! I was soo distracted, I put my email address in the NAME field.

James | February 27, 2007 03:20 PM

Somebody just got an on-line subscription to Lesbian Animals Illustrated.

I believe the first fifty subscribers get a free faux fur crotchless Koala suit. (Say that three times really fast.)

Amanda | February 27, 2007 03:33 PM

Chang: Well, I'm not sure where your brother's wife is from, but I know I don't have a pouch, and last time I checked I was a Canadian with the girly bits.

Then again, maybe she's from Toronto. They grow 'em weird over there.

Fred Kiesche | February 27, 2007 03:45 PM

I'm firmly on the other side of the information divide. Still trying to figure out what the heck "WIR IN UR..." etc. means!

Maybe I'll ask my daughter.

Kelsey | February 27, 2007 03:49 PM

Forget Koalas. You haven't seen hardcore, Down Under lovin' until you've seen a couple of platypuses gettin' it on.

A little bit duck, a little bit beaver, alotta bit hot!

Nathan | February 27, 2007 03:53 PM

Damn. And here I am without any eucalyptis.

Chang, father of pangolins | February 27, 2007 03:59 PM

Kelsey: A little bit duck, a little bit beaver, alotta bit hot!

This thread has generated some amazing one liners. I am impressed.

Amanda: Then again, maybe she's from Toronto. They grow 'em weird over there.

Whoa. She is actually. I may have hit on something there.

Jeff Hentosz | February 27, 2007 04:15 PM

Nathan: So — off to the Duane Reade for some Hall's, brotha. They's hot koala action on the other side.

Fred: "Maybe I'll ask my daughter." Yeah, um, I don't think this is the right example to check out the meme with ... Fred? ... Fred! NOOO!"

Eddie Clark | February 27, 2007 04:49 PM

"Is Australia going to kick the koalas out of the house, so that they tearfully have to show up on New Zealand's doorstep?"

Sure we'll take 'em. We have a history of being hospitable to undersirable types that Australia doesn't want (eg Afghani refugees).

Also, best "Wir in ur X, Xing ur X" picture I've seen in quite some time. I wonder if I'd get in trouble if I made it my work wallpaper...

TransDutch | February 27, 2007 04:55 PM

Thanks, Kate.

I have to say, any newspaper that comes up with the headline Aussie Boffins Probe Lesbian Cows has my readership.

Of course, some might say I'm easy.

Jemaleddin | February 27, 2007 04:55 PM

I do what the voices in my head tell me. Evidently Scalzi is now a voice in my head. So give it a day for the DNS to propagate, and it'll be up.

Christian | February 27, 2007 04:59 PM

John -

I am sorely disappointed in your Koala entry, and I demand the funny! We got these gems the last time you did a Ted Haggard necropsy:

.... "Taste for jock-seasoned meats

.... "Taser a gay man's junk while he watches the films of Cher"

.... "Hunger for smoked pole"

.... "Sampling from the sausage tray"

I suspect that you are going light on those little lesbo koalas, so lets spice it up a bit:

.... "The koalas asked for SECOND free samples after they completed their tour of the StarKist factory, and...

.... "When furry creatures hunger for a fur-burger...

// Kidding of course.
// Grinning, ducking, and running for cover!

John Scalzi | February 27, 2007 05:02 PM

Eh, I don't get it.

TransDutch | February 27, 2007 05:02 PM

Though this 'related' article is even better.

"Amusing as the image of a mouse with monkey balls on its back is, the research is being done for a purpose, not just the entertainment of the faculty staff."

Nathan | February 27, 2007 05:23 PM

Hey Jeff,

Just back from the drug store, and dude, you are so right. Things are just heatin' up here in Brooklyn with more hawt marsupial sex than you can shake a stick at.

David S. | February 27, 2007 05:54 PM

Well I'm an Australian and the first I head of this "shock, horror" story was a few days ago when I was surfing the UK press; at that time it hadn't even made our local media outlets. And they'll take *anything*...

suzanne | February 27, 2007 07:21 PM

more info from Biological Exuberance
(yeah, I know
you;d rather play with it
but seriously
he gives detail about the homosexual activity
in the wild
observed by zoologists
not just yer ordinary folks
on close to 300 mammals and birds
all of whom both male and female
(see male koalas are not exempt)
engage in the behavior
and you ain't seen nuthin'
til you've seen a group of male whales
friskin' about with each other
in calling distance of females too
they couldn't care less

you want an eye opener then read this book

Jim Wright | February 27, 2007 07:48 PM

Hysterical. How long you all figure before some Born Again type sues to have Koalas removed from the National Zoo? Because, you know, we can't have our children looking teh lez koalaz! Poor kids might get funny ideas. Damn those Australians and their queer animals, damn them. Give us good old fashioned straight American animals. Think of the children, I beseech you.

(Okay, I justed wanted to see if "beseech" was in my Firefox dictionary, it is. "Teh lez koalaz" isn't, see that just goes to show you...)

Jim Wright | February 27, 2007 07:58 PM

You know, on second thought, looking at the picture - how in the hell do you know that those are actually girls? (I'm just asking, because my webcam just doesn't have that kind of resolution.) Maybe we're looking at three guys? (The wood they're lounging on kind've looks like the deck around a hot tub, maybe?) Or better yet, 1 guy, 2 girls or vice versa? Maybe they're just going through an "experimental" phase, could be collage koalas... you don't know. I don't want to be judgmental, I think we need more data.

J at The Dundies | February 27, 2007 08:05 PM

lezmarsupial.com has be registered. it has the picture at the top of this post with a link back here.

Laurie Mann | February 27, 2007 08:07 PM

Ah, so it could merely be a heterosexual orgy rather than a homosexual one? We all know, of course, that beings only have sex between one male and one female after marriage... ;->

Anonymous | February 27, 2007 08:23 PM

Laurie: well, yeah, as long as it's not, um you know, same sex marriage...

George E. Martin | February 27, 2007 08:32 PM

Jemaleddin said:

"I do what the voices in my head tell me. Evidently Scalzi is now a voice in my head. So give it a day for the DNS to propagate, and it'll be up."

Well, while it is not in the posted whois database yet,

./dig -t SOA LezMarsupial.com

; >> DiG 9.2.1 >> -t SOA LezMarsupial.com
;; global options: printcmd
;; Got answer:
;; ->>HEADER ;; flags: qr rd ra; QUERY: 1, ANSWER: 1, AUTHORITY: 3, ADDITIONAL: 0

;LezMarsupial.com. IN SOA

LezMarsupial.com. 13851 IN SOA ns1.dreamhost.com. hostmaster.dreamhost.com. 2007022702 17466 1800 1814400 14400

LezMarsupial.com. 172249 IN NS ns2.dreamhost.com.
LezMarsupial.com. 172249 IN NS ns3.dreamhost.com.
LezMarsupial.com. 172249 IN NS ns1.dreamhost.com.

;; Query time: 28 msec
;; WHEN: Tue Feb 27 18:24:43 2007
;; MSG SIZE rcvd: 145


Old Jarhead | February 27, 2007 09:14 PM

Come on, this is the marsupial supergroup "Phascolarctos Power" practicing their (very) close harmony on their number one chart smash "I call it pocket bread, eucalyptis"

Old Jarhead

Mark DF | February 27, 2007 09:32 PM

Ha! Now I know what lesbians do: the bunny hop.

Mark DF | February 27, 2007 09:34 PM

And now, our HBO feature presentation:

OZ! The Lost Koala Episode

Jon H | February 27, 2007 10:47 PM

You can tell the lesbian koalas 'cause they're the ones with the hairy legs.

Anne Harris | February 27, 2007 10:56 PM

Duuude! Situationally Lesbean Koalas RAWK THA HAWSE!!!

Saw them at festival once with my other two fave bands, Post Apocolyptic Scenario and The Pathetic Remains.

mythago | February 28, 2007 12:38 AM

Somebody needs to mash this up with Kelly Link's short story "The Faery Handbag".

Or, uh, not.

Blue Tyson | February 28, 2007 01:39 AM

That's priceless.

Djscman | February 28, 2007 04:01 AM

She was a GOOD GIRL...

Until she met the WRONG CROWD...


See what two sets of opposable thumbs can do! The fur will fly!

(Not suitable for children.)

JerolJ | February 28, 2007 10:55 AM

I am looking forward to the first Lez Koala Schoolgirls site.

Jemaleddin | February 28, 2007 02:39 PM

JerolJ: Is that an official Scalzi request? Because I've got registration money to burn, and nothing but time. =-)

JerolJ | March 1, 2007 09:29 AM

I am betting as I type this some East-European Svengali is filming two LezKoalas dressed in schoolgirl outfits, making out in pouring rain...

Post a comment.

Comments are moderated to stop spam; if your comment goes into moderation, it may take a couple of hours to be released. Please read this for my comment moderation policies.
Preview will not show paragraph breaks. Trust me, they're there.
The proprietor generally responds to commenters in kind. If you're polite, he'll be polite. If you're a jackass, he'll be a jackass. If you are ignorant, he may correct you.
When in doubt, read the comment thread rules.

Remember Me?

(you may use HTML tags for style)