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January 25, 2007

All Right, People...

Where the hell did you hide my wallet?


Posted by john at January 25, 2007 12:04 AM

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Karl Cook | January 25, 2007 12:06 AM

Did the big friendly Akita tape it to the nice, fuzzy cat?

Adam Ziegler | January 25, 2007 12:07 AM

You know, in that place... over there.

MWT | January 25, 2007 12:09 AM

Heh, find it yet?

Timothy McClanahan | January 25, 2007 12:37 AM


Abidemi | January 25, 2007 12:42 AM

My pocket.

Simon Haynes | January 25, 2007 12:42 AM

I searched my house for you but I didn't find it. Wait, you did say you lost it in Australia?

hugh57 | January 25, 2007 12:47 AM

I'll bet you'll find it in the last place you look. ;-)

Andy | January 25, 2007 12:57 AM

There is no wallet.

Ian Randal Strock | January 25, 2007 01:09 AM

Stephen Wright said he lost his socks, so he called information. The lady said "they're behind the couch," and they were. Did you try calling information?

Cassie, pointing at Steve B | January 25, 2007 01:14 AM

I don't know anything about it.

SAP | January 25, 2007 01:14 AM

Wait, that was your wallet?

marty | January 25, 2007 01:18 AM

I saw Cthulu with it. Honest.

Gordon | January 25, 2007 01:23 AM

Man, if I've seen your wallet lately, we've got problems.

On the other hand, the locals will probably sell it back to you for cheap.

Cassie | January 25, 2007 01:26 AM

Have you checked Pluto?

Amanda Downum | January 25, 2007 01:27 AM

In a safe place.

JH | January 25, 2007 01:55 AM

It's keeping your missing socks company.

MWT | January 25, 2007 01:58 AM

... well? Did it work or not? Did it magically appear before your eyes the moment you posted?

If not, maybe you should check the doggie in the window. It might've been visiting with ulterior motives after all.

Byron | January 25, 2007 02:22 AM


Scott Elyard | January 25, 2007 02:36 AM


Cthulhu | January 25, 2007 02:54 AM

Damn humans are always blaming me for stealing their wallets. LISTEN, PUNY MORTAL: I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN GO THROUGH YOUR GRUBBY CREDIT CARDS! Next one who blames me for stupid crap, his soul gets taken like that! SNAP!

Look, you guys need to spend more time worshipping me, and less time yakking on the internet.

Cthulhu / Cheney in 2008

Eddie Clark | January 25, 2007 02:59 AM

Muwahahaha! You will never find it, I have hidden it in the same place Saddam hid all those weapons of mass destruction.

Nikitta | January 25, 2007 03:31 AM

Sorry. It was dark and I was tired and hungry. I thought it was a sandwich!

Not a very tasy one, mind you.

PixelFish | January 25, 2007 03:46 AM

I buried it on a deserted isle, and slew the men who rowed me ashore and laid their bodies on top. Then I made a map with suitably obscure markings, corked it in a bottle, and tossed the whole rigamarole into the sea where it was found by a shipwrecked mariner, and a seagull. The mariner ate the gull, by the way, so he's the only one, other than me, who knows where your wallet is. I'm pretty certain said mariner can be found at latitude Fifty North, longitude Forty West, and if you ask him politely, perhaps he'll hand over the bottle.

Tania | January 25, 2007 03:53 AM

I have hidden
the wallet
that was in
the Scalzi-stead

and the credit cards
you were probably
to use

Forgive me
they were tempting
so shiny
and accepted everywhere I want to be

PixelFish | January 25, 2007 03:58 AM

Nice one, Tania. :)

Simon Haynes | January 25, 2007 05:16 AM

New wallet - $10
Replacing lost cash - $100
Time lost replacing all the cards - priceless.

Annalee Flower Horne | January 25, 2007 05:47 AM

I wasn't there.

You can't prove it.

Nobody saw me and the sheep are lying.

Chang, father of pangolins | January 25, 2007 06:05 AM

Someplace warm, sticky and sweet.

It is nowhere near me as I post, though.

I smell Ebay fun!

Ruthi | January 25, 2007 06:31 AM

In your other jacket, or coat.
(or in the trousers that have gone to be laundered).

Tanie linie lotnicze | January 25, 2007 06:53 AM

In POland is no wallet

Jim | January 25, 2007 06:54 AM

Before I start looking for it, I want proof you even possesed one in the first place.

Lynn | January 25, 2007 07:07 AM

Try the refrigerator.

Ray | January 25, 2007 07:34 AM

Better check with the rouge dog who was hanging out the other day.

cisko | January 25, 2007 07:34 AM

It's in the pocket of the sweat pants you wore when you drove out for a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts yesterday morning. Check the laundry basket.

duquesne_pdx | January 25, 2007 07:40 AM

Your traitor wallet was extraordinarily renditioned to an undisclosed location in an undisclosed country, there to be "interrogated" until it tells everything it knows.

You might be next. It's up to the decider to decide.

Dave | January 25, 2007 07:58 AM

I know people hate it when I ask this, but did you try googling for it?

Greg | January 25, 2007 08:07 AM

Was it one of those three panel folding wallets? Because if you folded it with the ID panel first it is probably in tesseract space right now.

It's why I use a billfold.

Sorry, but at least you don't have to worry about canceling your credit cards.

Tatiana | January 25, 2007 08:25 AM

In the place near the thing where you went that time.

Steve Buchheit | January 25, 2007 08:31 AM

Cassie, pointing at Steve B,

What? I didn't do anything. (trys to look innocent, realizes it's too long gone)

Wallet? What wallet. (makes sure John's not looking)

Drinks for everybody!

But on a serious note, I think it ran off with Toby's wallet. After all, his was slim and young.

Steve Buchheit | January 25, 2007 08:38 AM

Wait a sec. Just what do you need your wallet for at midnight, John? I mean, I know rural Ohio, where they roll up the sidewalks precisely at 6. Just what are you paying for at that hour?

mark | January 25, 2007 08:39 AM

I'm told one should try for about 4 hours a day to do a proper job of finding a wallet.

Anonymous | January 25, 2007 08:57 AM

The wallet is not hidden; the wallet is alternatively located.

Nathan | January 25, 2007 09:08 AM

What to Know Before You Ask Me to Find Your (Unlocated) Wallet.

I'm often asked, by people I've never met, if I can locate their missing wallets. There are a number of reasons I decline this invitation.

My rate for finding wallets begins at $125/hr. Since you don't have a wallet, the odds of me collecting my fee are slim.

This is the only excuse you need to hear.

Chang who gots flavor | January 25, 2007 09:17 AM

Steve Buchheit:

Wait a sec. Just what do you need your wallet for at midnight, John? I mean, I know rural Ohio, where they roll up the sidewalks precisely at 6. Just what are you paying for at that hour?

Ahem. "Tickles." John was paying for... "tickles."

Mjollnir | January 25, 2007 09:23 AM

The blue construction workers misplaced it when they were working on 11:37. Ask the yellow guy, he might get it for you, but he probably won't let you back into the time stream.

Christian | January 25, 2007 09:34 AM

You must choose between cats, cheese, and wallets.

There can only be one.

Bearpaw | January 25, 2007 09:48 AM

You didn't lose the wallet. You just, um, haven't found it yet.

Anybody who disagrees with this obviously just wants the wallet to be lost. Traitors!

Todd Stull | January 25, 2007 10:03 AM

I'm jealous. Cthulu and the Elder Gods never leave me messages on my blog.

(Goes back to sacrificing things).

Kate Baker | January 25, 2007 10:04 AM

*tries her untamed powers*

Upon your arrival home, you were ready to put it in your usual spot upon your dresser, when you got distracted by the thought of a snack. Opening the refridgerator, you set it down next to the bacon as you reached for the Dr. Pepper and the last of the canolis your wife bought at the quaint little Italian bakery that would receive more business if more people knew about it.

It's in the fridge. Trust me.


Adrian | January 25, 2007 10:05 AM

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etc. Now you know!

Lee Gray | January 25, 2007 10:07 AM

More troops. You just need more troops to help find the wallet.

Joe | January 25, 2007 10:08 AM

In the observatory, with Colonel Mustard, near the lead pipe.

Steve Buchheit | January 25, 2007 10:10 AM

Flavorful Chang, "Tickles"? Okay, if that's what you kids are calling it today.

Or are you saying John was going for the lifesized Tickle Me Elmo?

Wakboth | January 25, 2007 10:10 AM

You are not missing a wallet.
The wallet is missing you.

Dan | January 25, 2007 10:18 AM

Who looks for their wallet at midnight?

Chang, father of pangolins | January 25, 2007 10:20 AM


I'm sticking with "tickles."

Steve Buchheit | January 25, 2007 10:44 AM

Chang, father of quick flavors, I was going for another furry joke.

Chang, father of pangolins | January 25, 2007 11:29 AM

Yeah, sorry I got nothing. Scalzi's visa won't buy you much these days.

CJ | January 25, 2007 11:36 AM

Gazing deeply into my crystal ball, I confidently predict: If you clean your office, and organize the papers for a change, the wallet will magically appear. Plus, your wife can stop yelling at you about it.....

Bill | January 25, 2007 11:47 AM

You know, I like CJ's answer. Even if it doesn't solve the problem of the lost wallet it solves the problem of the wife yelling at you. Well, about the desk clutter at least.

Amanda | January 25, 2007 11:47 AM

Sorry, I had a craving for post-hockey pizza and don't get paid until Friday. I'll pay you back, honest!

BrainPal | January 25, 2007 11:51 AM

I'm sorry. I have currently lost integration with your SmartWallet™.
Please re-integrate at your earliest convenience.

Bruce Cohen, SpeakerToManagers | January 25, 2007 12:00 PM

CJ's crystal ball is working a lot better than mine. All I get is "Answer cloudy, try again."

A.R.Yngve | January 25, 2007 12:00 PM

Your wallet resides in that strange dimension where all lost items go (described in a children's book, illustrated by Dik Browne)....

Rob Thornton | January 25, 2007 12:26 PM

How to find almost anything:

1. Give up looking for it.
2. It will be in the next place you look.
3. If this doesn't work, try again.

Jon | January 25, 2007 12:29 PM

I warned you about my voices. I told you they were powerful. You didn't believe me! You didn't give me the book! They spoke to someone in Ohio, and now you must pay! Next time maybe you will believe me. Maybe.

Dave | January 25, 2007 12:41 PM

It's not in my pants.

Karen Burnham | January 25, 2007 12:47 PM

In the Thing Your Aunt Gave You.

theophylact | January 25, 2007 12:50 PM

The answer is in this month's Wired. Oh, sorry -- that's where your keys are.

Dave | January 25, 2007 12:53 PM

The pirates have it. They are using it to foil your ninja plans.

(On the bright side, no one has mentioned head licking)

Susan Loyal | January 25, 2007 01:20 PM

Based on the way things go missing in my house, I'd say it's on the edge of a bookshelf, lying coyly on top of a book TBR whose cover perfectly matches the color of the wallet. From what I know of your house, that should narrow the search down to about 2000 places, yes?

Kristy | January 25, 2007 03:25 PM

Of *course* you're going to find it in the last place you look; who finds something and then keeps looking?!

Johnny Carruthers | January 25, 2007 04:19 PM

Did the bacon hide it behind the tape?

Chuck Firment | January 25, 2007 04:54 PM

I gave it to the guy in the kilt, of course.

A Rusty Butter Knife | January 25, 2007 05:51 PM

My grandmother had great advice for this kind of situation.

Have you looked under the bath tub?

Jeremy Johnson | January 31, 2007 06:00 AM


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