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January 16, 2007

Cats or Cheese: A Reader Participation Entry

I'm off to the bowels of Cincinnati today, to do an in-studio radio appearance, so who knows when I'll get back from that. But I wouldn't want you to be bored while I am away, so here's a topic for you to ponder:

Cats or cheese! There can be only one! You must choose!

Yes, in your hands is the choice that will forever change our universe. Choose cats, and cheese in all its manifestations vanishes forever with only orange powdery smudges to mark its passing; choose cheese, and cats all over the word vaporize with an adorable, furry pop. There is no alternative! Only one can exist! And only you can decide! Which will it be? Explain your choice.

This is possibly the most important question ever in the history of man, or cats, or cheese. It's not an easy choice. It's not meant to be an easy choice. I only pray you have the strength to make it. Good luck with it, my friends.

Posted by john at January 16, 2007 06:56 AM

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Pablo Defendini | January 16, 2007 07:17 AM

Oh, man. Cats or cheese. That's a tough one. I'm gonna have to go with cheese. The cats need to stay, or else my internet surfing wouldn't be half as interesting (or sickeningly cute).

Angie Rush | January 16, 2007 07:24 AM

That's just mean.

I'm going to have to say cats stay, though. Cheese won't keep my feet warm as I sleep.

Kit Whitfield | January 16, 2007 07:33 AM

Does the removal of cats include removing lions, tigers, cheetahs, servals and all the rest of the gang? Or can we keep them?

John Scalzi | January 16, 2007 07:34 AM

Cats: We're talking pets.

cisko | January 16, 2007 07:35 AM

Remember folks, you're choosing which one gets to stay...

I'll have to cast the early vote for cheese. Get rid of the cats, and you'll still have dogs. But get rid of the cheese, and all you'll have is velveeta and cheez whiz. Shudder.

duquesne_pdx | January 16, 2007 07:48 AM

cisko said:

I'll have to cast the early vote for cheese. Get rid of the cats, and you'll still have dogs. But get rid of the cheese, and all you'll have is velveeta and cheez whiz. Shudder.

Without cheese, there's no good reason to live. But add to that the continued existence of velveeta and cheez whiz in the absence of real cheese, and you have a reason to actively plot the destruction of the earth...

GSLamb | January 16, 2007 07:51 AM

Cats. I mostly cook Japanese food, so cheese is not a big thing.

Brandon | January 16, 2007 07:57 AM

Cheese stays. Macaroni and Cat doesn't have the same comfort food feel to it.

Now all we need is a picture of a block of Cheddar with the phrase, "I'm in ur arteries, steelin ur lifespan."

WizarDru | January 16, 2007 08:01 AM

See you later Cats....don't let the door hit ya where the dog shoulda bit ya!

Jess Nevins | January 16, 2007 08:08 AM

My camembert never pees on my rug. My smoked gouda never begins howling at 4:00 a.m., demanding to be fed. My cottswold never whines when it thinks it's not getting enough food (i.e., twice a day, every day). My goat's cheese doesn't throw a nutty when it has to go to the vet.

No choice, really.

Teman | January 16, 2007 08:14 AM

Cheese, of course. I've had cats, they are very nice, but I can't live without cheese.

Put it another way, I'm sure tabby doesn't taste as good as a nice aged blue.

Steve | January 16, 2007 08:16 AM

Can you make cheese from cat milk?

penwing | January 16, 2007 08:16 AM

Much as I adore cats, cheese has got to stay. Afterall, the moon is made of cheese, and without the moon we'd have no tides, and no defensive body to protect us from comets and the like. So, Cheese it has to be!

Sorry my furry ex-friends 8-(

x x

Greg | January 16, 2007 08:18 AM

Cheese, because my kid doesn't eat cats. Yet.
In fact, she often mistakes cats for puppies and vice versa. So, if she lost cats (or "meows" in her dialect), there will always be puppies. Me, I'm allergic and lactose intolerant. I could give a fig.

TJ | January 16, 2007 08:20 AM

Cheese. I've had enough of cats sleeping on my car roof and leaving pawprints and scratches down the bonnet.

Gordon | January 16, 2007 08:21 AM

Cats. Easy. Not that I don't like cheese, but its lack would make it that much easier to go back to being vegan anyway. (Well, once I get out of the Army and actually can survive on a vegan diet again.)

Branko Collin | January 16, 2007 08:22 AM

I refuse to choose. I made one such choice before, and managed to alienate all the world's salami.

Tatiana | January 16, 2007 08:26 AM

As much as I love both, I'm not allergic to cheese, so it gets to stay. Plus, I don't want to miss the adorable, furry pop!

Daniel Sroka | January 16, 2007 08:26 AM

If I had to choose, it must be: cheese, cheese, cheese! Because you can always make a cat out of cheese, but you cannot make cheese out of a cat.

mote | January 16, 2007 08:37 AM

This is tough. I really don't like cheese very much, but I am so severely allergic to cats that I can't be in their presence for more than a few minutes without having a severe reaction....

Still, I would probably keep cats if I could wish my allergies out of existence, and to heck with cheese. 'Cause I still think cats are pretty cute. It's not their fault that they are death to me...

Jennifer Ouellette | January 16, 2007 08:37 AM

I vote that the cats stay. Cheese is nice, but it's just a foodstuff, and I have trouble digesting it anyway. It means pizza falls by the wayside, but I'd prefer that to an extinct species...

Bruce Adelsohn | January 16, 2007 08:49 AM

Cats stay. Cheese is okay, but it doesn't keep you warm at night. (Okay, except when it's heartburn :-) I mean, pizza's cool and all, but when it comes right down to it, there are far fewer other acceptable pets compared to the number of other acceptable foods.

Stephen G | January 16, 2007 08:50 AM

Oh, man, no way you're suckering me into this one. After answering the "dogs or drugan" question to keep dogs I've learned my lesson.

Steve Buchheit | January 16, 2007 08:54 AM

Cats get to stay for the pure entertainment value and a good excuse for a nap on the weekends. We'll always have yogurt.

Shrike58 | January 16, 2007 08:54 AM

Cheese. It goes so much better on pizza or burgers than your tabby.

Anonymous | January 16, 2007 08:56 AM

Although, you can't have good Cincinnati chili without cheese.

Tapetum | January 16, 2007 08:59 AM

Cheese - I'm allergic to cats. Plus my older son would be living on air were it not for grilled cheese sandwiches. I'm pretty sure he won't eat a grilled cat sandwich.

Jack Scheer | January 16, 2007 08:59 AM

This one's easy for me. Cats win. Cheese is wonderful, but there are so many other wonderful foods in existence that the blow from its absence would be considerably softened. There is no other animal, or combination of animals, that could fill the cat void.

Chryss | January 16, 2007 09:01 AM

Cats stay. Otherwise my beloved Myrddin Emrys goes up in an adorable pop, and then I never get to see his favorite games, "Come chase me," "Let's howl out the window at various birds," and "Shredding Pop's hand." Plus, if there was no cheese, I might actually lose a couple of pounds. Not nearly enough, mind you, but at least a couple.

Plus, taping bacon to cheese just isn't funny.

Phillip J. Birmingham | January 16, 2007 09:01 AM


Cheese stays because I'm mildly allergic to cats.

punkrockhockeymom | January 16, 2007 09:04 AM

Um, cheese. Cheese stays, because cats are deadly poison to me. And cheese is, well, delicious.

Kit Whitfield | January 16, 2007 09:12 AM

I've heard you can domesticate cheetahs, if you can only figure out a way of breeding them in captivity (their mating rituals apparently involve running for miles and miles, which is hard to arrange in the average pet boudoir, which explains why we don't have guard cheetahs and guide cheetahs and hunting cheetahs...) So I heard, anyway.

If we kept cheese, could we domesticate cheetahs?

Please? The whole concept of losing one or the other is causing me such mental pain...

JJBird | January 16, 2007 09:16 AM

Cheese ftw. It doesn't cough up hairballs on my pillows or shred my carpet.

Eirik Newth | January 16, 2007 09:18 AM

Absolutely no doubt at all. I need to lose some kilos, and then there's these heartbreakers:


Kyle | January 16, 2007 09:20 AM

Cheese. Cats are useless and only serve to distract. Cheese is one of life's great pleasures and must be preserved as the precious cultural artifact it is.

Harry Connolly | January 16, 2007 09:22 AM

Cheese can not be easily replaced with other foods. W/out cheese, you don't have real pizza. Or nachos. Or quesadillas.

Cheese stays. Cats are frickin' annoying anyway.

Amanda | January 16, 2007 09:25 AM

Cheese. Like many of thoes who have posted before me, both I (and my roommie) are wicked allergic to cats. Though most of my friends have kitties and would be seriously distraught if their pets went pop no matter how adorably. The absence of said felines would allow me to go over and visit and spoil their babies without having to dope myself up with antihistamines before hand.

Plus, without cheese you wouldn't have mac&cheese, pizza, lasagna (which would mean Garfield would have nothing to obsess over), among many other things that would come to my brain if it wasn't so early and so damn cold outside.

Anonymous | January 16, 2007 09:40 AM

You're a cruel, cruely man, Scalzi. Life without cats or cheese is not worth living. I choose suicide.

Anonymous | January 16, 2007 09:43 AM

No offence to the cat sitting beside me, but I'd choose cheese, you cant have grated cat on a jacket potato, well you could but, Id be worried.

Lisa | January 16, 2007 09:52 AM

Cats. I can go without cheese, but my beautiful Siamese is like one of the kids.

Besides, have you ever seen a cat play with a Cheeto across a hardwood floor? It's hysterical.

Cheese just sits there.

Matt W | January 16, 2007 09:57 AM

Keep the cheese, to heck with cats. As long as dogs are still around, we'll be fine.

ordinarygirl | January 16, 2007 10:02 AM

Both are evil, but I'll have to say cats. They're zero calories if used properly.

Mike A. | January 16, 2007 10:05 AM

Can the cheese be in the shape of a cat? If you leave it out for a while, it'll get furry, chia-pet style. The best of both worlds.

iain | January 16, 2007 10:06 AM

I'm going to pass this moral quandry on to my wife's cat, who enjoys Cheeze Whiz right from the can.

I'm sure he'll want to sleep on it.

Buck | January 16, 2007 10:09 AM

Don't think Bastet isn't keeping an eye on this thread! Outside of Wisconsin and maybe parts of France and the Netherlands, people don't worship cheese.

I'd have to say good-bye to cheese.

As much as I absolutely love cheese, I do know that it's not really that good for one's health. On the other hand, cat ownership, especially among the elderly, may extend lifespan. Plus, a lot of the world doesn't eat cheese, so the global impact of no cheese would be smaller, whereas domestic cats worldwide prevent a lot of disease and hunger by keeping rodent populations down.

Perhaps since Australia's native wildlife is plagued by feral cats, we could just get rid of them there...

Radical Bender | January 16, 2007 10:13 AM

Easiest choice I've made today. Cheese.

Cats are the most purely concentrated form of furry evil known to mankind. Like little furry Hitlers...or at least furry Napoleons.

Cheese tastes good and doesn't leave hairballs on the floor. I'd miss the YouTube videos where the cat chasing a laser pointer slams into a wall, but that's a small price to pay.

histrogeek | January 16, 2007 10:16 AM

I refuse to accept your false dicotomy. I will not be boxed in. It must cats AND cheese or the world would be too sad a place to continue living.

Feel free to remove guinea pigs, hamsters, and gerbils though.

Mark Tiedemann | January 16, 2007 10:32 AM

This is easy for me. I'm allergic to cats. And I prefer dogs anyway.

It's CHEESE Grommit!

Sarah | January 16, 2007 10:32 AM

It seems like there are a disturbing amount of votes for cheese. So I'm going to say cats! Of course, cats!

Though I will sorely miss cheese.

Nathan | January 16, 2007 10:33 AM

Without cats, the internet would only be six pages long. The cats stay.

ship | January 16, 2007 10:40 AM

cats stay. i have 5 of them in my house, and although i will miss pizza, it would be messy to have 3 pizzas in bed every night. it's also not as cute when a pizza plays with string.

Ellen | January 16, 2007 10:43 AM

Cats stay, even though I love cheese and am allergic to cats. I have my own, and wouldn't even give him up if... well, actually, I can't think of a worse thing to give up than cheese. I love cheese. Sigh.

Simon Owens | January 16, 2007 10:43 AM

cheese gets my vote

John N | January 16, 2007 10:44 AM

Similar reasons have been given above, but I too must choose cheese.

Not because I dislike cats, or because I am allergic to cats. I prefer dogs, but I like cats.

However, I have a beautiful neice, and a charming nephew who are both highly allergic to cats. The nephew is also allergic to a lot of food items such as nuts, and eggs. But neither of them are lactose intolerant. And both love cheese. So I'm doing it for them, not for me.

I love cheese too, but that's irrelevant.

fastfinge | January 16, 2007 10:46 AM

Cats. Until they find another animal that can purr, anyway. Maybe they could find some sort of way of creating purring cheese? I bet that'd feel interesting to chew. Then I would be entirely satisfied.

JD | January 16, 2007 10:49 AM

I am going to have to vote for cheese staying. I love my cat but they are way too many cheezy things I would miss more.

tt | January 16, 2007 10:50 AM

Cats stay. Cheese is a food, and we have plenty of that. Cat are personalities and each individual is irreplaceable.

HalDuncan | January 16, 2007 10:53 AM

Choice? Hell, I'd happily sacrifice the cheese too if it meant taking out the cats and *finally* shutting up those eedjits who insist on anthropomorphising their little diddums as sooooo smart and manipulative and blah de blah de blah. Handbags with teeth and claws, that's what they are, mobile fashion accessories.

So how do we get rid of them when the vote is cast? Can I do it? Pleeeeeeease.

Lex | January 16, 2007 10:56 AM

It's Sophie's choice all over again!!


Dude. Cheese, as much as I enjoy it, does not compare to cats. Cheese makes me fat. Cats love me even when I'm fat. No competition.

Wait, what about cheez whiz? It's not *actually* cheese...

Anonymous | January 16, 2007 11:01 AM

If the cheese is made from this, then the choice is obvious.

Read the reviews. I'm telling you, cheese made from this stuff could not eliminated.

David McNelis | January 16, 2007 11:03 AM

How about cats made of cheese? Would we have to get rid of them too? I think we need a photoshopped CheeseCat!

MIscellaneous Steve | January 16, 2007 11:03 AM

Easy. Cat's go. Aside from the fact that I'm rather fond of cheese, I'm allergic to cats...so cats get the boot. (Utilitarian though my own reasons are, I'm inclined to agree with HalDuncan's.)

Q | January 16, 2007 11:13 AM

Cats stay, as much as it pains me as a Wisconsin native.

Besides, if the cheese goes, we can still domesticate Cheetohs, right?

Kayjay | January 16, 2007 11:14 AM

Cheese. No question about it. I am born and raised in Wisconsin, and I only like cats from a distance. Cheese must stay. Bring on the Domo-kun.

Connie B | January 16, 2007 11:15 AM

Cheese. In a pinch you can build a house out of cheese. I'd like to see someone do that with cats.

Cassie | January 16, 2007 11:22 AM

Hey, John, when you see Dr. Johnny Fever, tell him to podcast. I can't pick up WKRP up here in northern Ohio.

A.R.Yngve | January 16, 2007 11:27 AM

Cheese. No doubt.

(Let the onslaught of cat-worshippers begin!)

Sam | January 16, 2007 11:28 AM

Cheese would have to stay because not only is it taste but cheese has been known to make ur teeth healthier (besides clogging your arteries). As for cats why would I want a box of shit in my house?

Chas | January 16, 2007 11:41 AM

I think my cat is on to you, Mr. Scalzi. Normally in the morning he mostly ignores me, but this morning he was all over me seeking attention and wanting to play.

That said, I'm going to have to go with cats. Cheese is tasty, but taping bacon to cheese is not nearly as funny as taping it to a cat.

Des | January 16, 2007 11:42 AM

Cheese forever. I couldn't live without it. I'm more a dog person, so absolutely no doubt about it ;o)

theophylact | January 16, 2007 11:45 AM

Cats. Sorry, France.

Dwight Brown | January 16, 2007 11:49 AM

As another cat-allergic person, I too must choose cheese over cats. Especially since I think the furry pop all the cats will make as they wink out of existance will be much more amusing than the cheesy pop you'd get from Brie or Cambert.

As for those of you who have chosen cats over cheese: I beseech you, in the bowels of Cincinnati, think it possible you may be mistaken.

MikeC | January 16, 2007 11:52 AM

It would be a sad world if either were to go poof (even with Whiz or puppy surrogates) and although there are legitimate health concerns over both Cats and Cheese and which passing would make the world a less bad place to be, I’d hate to see a mass extinction due to a whim. One is a food product, one is living creature. Cats stay.

claire | January 16, 2007 11:55 AM

cats stay, cheese goes. if there were no cats, who would be my boyfriend? plus, if the cheese goes, i might lose some weight. and my cat might lose some weight.

Rich | January 16, 2007 12:02 PM

I don't care for cheese that much, but i would miss Pizza so.
However, where would my happy marriage be without my wife's constant bitching and belittling of our five (5), yes five, bundles of furry joy (all adopted by me personally) that sleep on her head, wake her in the middle of the night by licking her hair, shed in all four dimensions of space and time, exude "butt juice"(don't ask, really) on her favorite blanket, furniture, clothing, etc., break random objects, hunt and destroy all smaller lifeforms, and simultaneous plot the destruction of all humans everywhere while seeking affection from my wife.
Cats stay!!!

Chris P. | January 16, 2007 12:04 PM

The cheese stays. Like others here, I'm allergic to cats. Also, grinding up cats and sprinkling them on my ravioli and red sauce just wouldn't do it for me.
Finally, without cheese, Wallace would be even more insufferable to poor faithful Gromit.

G. Jules | January 16, 2007 12:12 PM

Wow. This many people would really be willing to sacrifice cat macros in favor of cheese? "Limecheese"? "Cheneychese"? Really?

Sam | January 16, 2007 12:14 PM


My dog does the butt juice thing all though we call it "ass jizz." Smells to high heaven.

Cheese must stay for the better of humanity. Besides, for those of you people who use the argument "I will loose weight if we get rid of cheese" think about this. You will still be overweight even without the cheese as there will be something to replace it (ie. fried everything).

If you really want to loose weight get a dog so the two of you can go out on walks.

Jon | January 16, 2007 12:17 PM

My cat has to stay. As much as I like cheese, I have never had to carve mold off the cat.

Todd Stull | January 16, 2007 12:18 PM

As we all know, cheese is made from milk, which we all know is drawn from the teats of cats. Therefore, if we lose cats, we lose cheese as well. Trick question Scalzi, but we are on to you. Say good bye to cheese; say hello to purring goodness (and curdled milk!!).

Carol Elaine | January 16, 2007 12:29 PM

No question. Cats must stay. I like cheese, but I've gone without it before (used to be vegan). I can do it again. I cannot not go without my feline overlords-- Er, I mean, my three sweet, wonderful widdle boys.

(Did I do well, oh feline masters of the universe? I didn't mean to divulge your secret! No! Please don't! Arrgghhhh!)

*low-level static*

Starnaus | January 16, 2007 12:35 PM

As long as bacon remains in the equation, cats stay. Though it'll be hard to give up an entire food group. The four basic food groups being bacon, cheese, ice cream and beef of course.

That Neil Guy | January 16, 2007 12:39 PM

I have to say that I think Senor Scalzi will be pleased with the number of responses posted. Could it be that some of the delurkers have remained delurked?

Meanwhile, cats have no bearing on my life at all that I can think of, while I've had to actually live without cheese for 6 months when our daughter developed a milk allergy (even though she was breast feeding, the milk proteins from dairy products my wife ate were transferring to our daughter that way -- sheesh). So for the sake of my wife's sanity if nothing else, sayonara kitties. Plus, my daughter might starve -- these days she sometimes won't eat anything except cheese (or yogurt).

Dr. Phil | January 16, 2007 12:45 PM

I like my cats. I like cheese. Sorry, Scalzi, it's kill the messenger time: You have been eliminated from the universe.

(That's what you get for thinking you can dictate to _my_ universe.)

Dr. Phil

Eddie | January 16, 2007 12:59 PM

Goodbye cats. We'll find some other animal to fill your urban bird-killing niche. Dog breeders will find a way to bring to us a small, rude dog.

Carl V. | January 16, 2007 01:03 PM

I'd have to go with Wallace on this one, "Cheese, Gromit!"

Byron | January 16, 2007 01:11 PM

Hmm, tough choice... while cheese is good, cats are delicious. OTOH pizza. Cats have gotta go.

Chuk | January 16, 2007 01:11 PM

Keep cheese. Too bad about the cats, but maybe people will start keeping some other kind of animal...raccoons? Skunks bred for no-smell? I'm sure we'd come up with something.

Heather | January 16, 2007 01:14 PM

I say cheese. Cheese has so many uses, and is nutritious. I mean, cats could possibly be nutritious but cheese probably tastes better.

minz | January 16, 2007 01:15 PM

CHEESE RULES! So long furry felines, it wuz nice to know ya.

As for the reason: beyond the obvious of cheese being an essential foodgroup, they don't call us Wisconsinites "catheads"...

Vincent | January 16, 2007 01:18 PM

"This is possibly the most important question ever in the history of man, or cats, or cheese. It's not an easy choice. It's not meant to be an easy choice. I only pray you have the strength to make it. Good luck with it, my friends."

Scalzi, please say it isn't so. This question barely deserves utterance. The answer is cheese and requires no debate in the slightest. NOW I know what is wrong with America, our government, and the world at large today. Dogs are man's best friend, everybody knows that.

Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 01:26 PM

Mark T: "Cats are the most purely concentrated form of furry evil known to mankind. Like little furry Hitlers...or at least furry Napoleons."

Man, I'm with you. Cats are without a doubt evil incarnate. And I love cheese in all it's splendiferous forms, so my first kneejerk reaction was: Hooray! Finally, somebody is taking the lead on this issue and giving us a chance to rid the world of the furry terrorists. Never again will I have to change a litter box!

But then I thought waitaminute: if we get rid of cats, Chang will be TOTALLY NAKED while posting. This is an even greater evil that may have horrible ramifactions for the human race for generation to come, and I for one shudder at the thought. So, cheese has to go...

Brenda | January 16, 2007 01:30 PM

Cats must stay. You think we have a choice about what cats do? Really, they're in charge.
I love cheese, and would really miss a sharp cheddar, a freshly grated parmesan, or a nutty gruyere.
But still, cats stay. Purring, and making us laugh are more important than cheese.

hugh57 | January 16, 2007 01:36 PM

Much as I like cheese, Pixel stays.

Eddie Clark | January 16, 2007 01:37 PM

Heh, all I can think about is that John associates the colour orange with cheese. American cheese must have become yet more terrifying since my last experience with it...

Chang who love eat brainz and watch Czechanimation! | January 16, 2007 01:39 PM

Keep the cats, lose the cheese.

I mean, it's a toughie. As much as I pine for fontina, pepper jack and the staid old cheddar, when it sits in my lap as I post naked, it doesn't warm me. Nor does it make things smell any better. It doesn't play with mice, nor does it get rid of them (quite the opposite in fact).

I asked my wife this question (she hates George Foreman, our cat) and she gave me an "Oh, please! Do you have to ask?!" look.

Nathan | January 16, 2007 01:49 PM

I'm with Jim Wright. However the vote goes, Chang gets to keep George Foreman.

"Won't somebody think of the children?"

J at The Dundies | January 16, 2007 01:51 PM


Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 01:52 PM

See? There it is, Chang, NAKED, On teh Interwebs. The only thing between us and his, uhem nether regions, is the cat (must. resist. urge. to. make. puns!).

Please, I bet you all, keep the cat. Banish cheese. THINK ABOUT IT, for the sake of your children.

Firebyrd | January 16, 2007 02:01 PM

Perhaps this question would have required thought if cheese came and cuddled with me and purred at night (or perhaps that would just be disturbing). Since it doesn't, though, the choice is easy. Alas, poor pizza, the cats stay. What would the world be like without nature's fuzzy slippers, after all?

Dave Klecha | January 16, 2007 02:05 PM

Not being a pets guy, I'm going to have to say cheese. Cheese and I have a deep emotional attachment, as evidenced by the broken bathroom scale...

Michael Jones | January 16, 2007 02:14 PM

I hate cats. I love cheese. But cats kill vermin, preventing the spred of disease. Will Feta prevent the bubonic plauge? If the answer is yes, then load thoes fuzzy buggars on a rocket and pull a superman iv on the aloof little bastards. Otherwise, I hope they taste good grated on top of my Olive Garden salad.

Gordon | January 16, 2007 02:20 PM

Is 50% or more of the Whatever's readership allergic to cats? Damn.

And yes, we would lose pizza, but as a longtime resident of New Jersey, I have to tell you- your notion of pizza most likely is oh so wrong. I have eaten pizza in a lot of different places, and have reached a firm conclusion that no one outside the New York - New Jersey area can make pizza worth a damn. So most of you wouldn't be missing much. (And don't even get me started on Domino's/Pizza Hut/etc.)

Pat | January 16, 2007 02:31 PM

Cats. Otherwise my wife would be out of a job and I'd be living in a low rent district. Although one of our cats is extremely fond of cheese, so she'd be a pretty sad soul.

CaseyL | January 16, 2007 02:32 PM

Geez, Scalzi, couldn't you have given us a more difficult choice? Like, Republicans or STDs? Network TV or Alzheimer's?

I mean, I loves me some of that bacterially-transformed dairy curd - now with extra mold for extra flavoring! - but it is as nothing compared to my love for my kitties. When I'm feeling blue, or just tired, there are few things sweeter than Ariel settling down in my lap, giving me the squeezed-shut eyes of bliss, and purring so loudly they can hear her next door.

Cheese doesn't do that. Not even sheep cheese does that.

PCachu | January 16, 2007 02:35 PM

Let this be the final solution for the plague known as Cat Codependency.

Cheese 4eva.

Chang, ude-nay | January 16, 2007 02:44 PM

Gordon: I have eaten pizza in a lot of different places, and have reached a firm conclusion that no one outside the New York - New Jersey area can make pizza worth a damn.

As a former resident - grew up in CT on the Gold Coast - and denizen of the tri-state area I agree that the pizza there is of the finest anywhere.

And then there's the Flatbread Pizza Company up here in Portland, ME. Frigging awesome.

The Maine Coon Cat is good, too. Big and fluffy.

But bad on pizza.

But you can have pizza without cheese.

My vote is still ix-nay of the eese-chay!

Michael Martine | January 16, 2007 02:48 PM

Cheese wins by a whisker.

Gazan | January 16, 2007 02:49 PM

Cats - becuase if cheese won I would never hear the end of it from my daughter when her beloved Luna made the furry pop. No amount of delicious cheese would comfort her.

But let me know before you use your powers to enact this change - I sense an opportunity for a new line of cheese-less pizza.

Espana | January 16, 2007 02:51 PM

Wow. It's a tough call and I feel like a well-fed traitor but I'm gonna vote cheese over cats.

I love cats, but if I need a ball of psychotic fur in my house I can always get a ferret. Nothing could come close to replacing cheese.

Blue, havarti, provolone, drunken goat cheese, manchego, brie... dear god *baked* brie!

Metal Fatigue | January 16, 2007 02:53 PM

Cats. Without them, we would have no masters, and that would be the end of a slave species such as ourselves.

JT | January 16, 2007 02:57 PM


I only ever liked one cat, and only one cat ever liked me, and he recently had to be put to sleep. Other than Binx, I don't like cats, and cats don't like me. That arrangement has mostly worked fine so far, but I wouldn't miss them much.

And of course, I'm immensely curious as to what exactly an adorable furry pop looks and sounds like.

rochelle | January 16, 2007 03:06 PM

I don't know how I'm going to be able to walk in the door and face my three ill-behaved cats tonight--they'll know just by looking that I chose cheese. If I'm found dead in my bed tomorrow morning, it will certainly be because the cats sucked all my breath away as retaliation for my traitorous stance.

Chris | January 16, 2007 03:07 PM

I'm afraid I must pick cheese. Food would never be the same again without it.

Although admittedly, taping bacon to a peice of cheese wouldn't get you as much attention...

hamish | January 16, 2007 03:08 PM

Keeps the cats.

Cheese isn't cuddly and doesn't purr; and at a pinch, cats are edible....

Colm Mac | January 16, 2007 03:24 PM

Cheese on the basis that it too must be a Firefly fan. The evidence:
"Cheese! Why won't it stop flirting with me?" - Joss Weedon.

Ginny | January 16, 2007 03:31 PM

I'm going to have to go with cheese. Sure, cats are cute, but I can't eat them (unless I live overseas) and their fur wouldn't be a nice addition to my hamburger.

Besides, I'd have no American cheese for my dog to wear on his head if we had no cheese.

Anne | January 16, 2007 04:07 PM

Cheese, because it tastes MUCH better on Cincinnati chili. They tried to market a "6-way" with cats years ago but it was banned by city council and disliked (mostly) by local food critics.

Buck | January 16, 2007 04:32 PM

Lisa, Q:

No cheese, no Cheetos. Then again, there may not really be actual 'cheese' in Cheetos.

I wonder which would have more of an economic impact: pizza sales would drop without cheese, and I guess snooty people could have wine and soy curd tasting paries, but all the money spent on kitty litter, allergy pills, and replacing shredded furniture...

Riccardo | January 16, 2007 04:41 PM

Cats go, and we keep the cheese: have you ever tried to spread a piece of cat in a freshly-baked baguette? Now try with some truffled brie, instead. QED

(P.S. by "cheese" I mean real cheese: high in cholesterol, smelly and full of taste. The orange or white plastic bricks that pass for cheese in the USA can go with the cats.)

Xtabber | January 16, 2007 04:42 PM

Cats must go. I can't imagine life without nachos, Reuben sandwiches, unadorned Triscuits, or the empty cans of XXXWhiz. Cats, on the other hand, merely represent, sneezing, runny socks, poopy smelling cat boxes and tuna breath...

Sam | January 16, 2007 04:51 PM

"The orange or white plastic bricks that pass for cheese in the USA can go with the cats."

Sorry Riccardo but American cheese is the best cheese in the world. You can't eat a grilled cheese sandwich or a philly cheese stake with out it (although true philly cheese is made with cheese wiz, but cheese wiz is NASTY).

Miscellaneous Steve | January 16, 2007 05:00 PM

Sorry Riccardo but American cheese is the best cheese in the world. You can't eat a grilled cheese sandwich or a philly cheese stake with out it (although true philly cheese is made with cheese wiz, but cheese wiz is NASTY).

For a great philly cheese steak, you need provolone. And you need to stay away from Jim's on South Street.

Sam | January 16, 2007 05:03 PM

There's a great Cheese Steak place on 34th and 3rd Ave. Its great they make it the original way and the bastardized way there.

Cathy | January 16, 2007 05:03 PM

I choose cheese. Because lots of people in my family are allergic to cats, but only one person is lactose intolerant and that's easily taken care of with lactaid. Plus, fried mozzerella sticks are one of the best forms of junk food/bar food ever, and pizza IS nature's perfect food. And the need for cute furry housepets can be satisfied with dogs, gerbils or guinea pigs

Sam | January 16, 2007 05:05 PM


That's the best logic I've heard yet.

Anonymous | January 16, 2007 05:09 PM

There's a great Cheese Steak place on 34th and 3rd Ave. Its great they make it the original way and the bastardized way there.

When I lived in Philly, my favorite place for cheese steaks was Mama's in Bala Cynwyd. Mmmmmm. And in all the times I went there, I never once saw a can of Cheez Whiz. (They make great pizzas, too.)

Dave | January 16, 2007 05:10 PM

Cats, as they like to give unto me kisses of joy.

And I say unto the cheese,
Begone!, for the tribulations you bring
My lactose intolerance shall not
Persist on the earth.

And lo!, it was so.

Just read Android's Dream. Good book, enjoyed it. Bought from Powell's, too.

Miscellaneous Steve | January 16, 2007 05:11 PM

Oops. Sorry. The post about Mama's cheese steaks was mine.

Sam | January 16, 2007 05:21 PM

Miscellaneous Steve:

When I lived in Philly, my favorite place for cheese steaks was Mama's in Bala Cynwyd. Mmmmmm. And in all the times I went there, I never once saw a can of Cheez Whiz. (They make great pizzas, too.)

Yup, the original was made with Cheez whiz...google it if u don't believe me.

PixelFish | January 16, 2007 05:23 PM

I'm both lactose intolerant and allergic to cats. But cheese merely makes my tummy hurt a little if I eat too much of it. Whereas, one hour around cats, I get sniffly, two hours I spend the night coughing and wheezing, four hours gets me a day feeling like I'm getting over a cold, and overnight in the house where a cat is: I feel like I'm dying for the next week. My pharmacist thinks I should ask my doctor about a needle for anaphylactic shock, it's that bad. I get lumps the size of finger tips on my arms if I pet a dog that has played with a cat.

I do love cats, but my lungs and skin do not.

So. Um. I'd have to go with cheese. It doesn't kill me.

Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 05:40 PM

I see my appeal regarding keeping Chang's BRAINZ covered was not enough to convince you all that we must keep the cats and sacrifice the cheese (for the sake of the children, damnit!)

So, you are all imaginitive people (most of you bought off on a women who was part sheep after all), try to picture this:

Somewhere in the distant future, a loving father is selecting a bedtime story for his beloved child:
Beloved Child: What's the story, Daddy?
Loving Father: It's "The Cat in the Hat"
Confused Child: What's that, a Korean cookbook?
Bemused Father: No, it's a story about a cat.
Wondering Child: What's a cat?
Discomforted Father: Well, it's an extinct animal, that once kept our feet warm before global warming ruined the Earth and flooded the cities. Some people in Maine used to wear them as clothing. Many people found them amusing.
Sidetracked Child: Mainers?
Father: No, cats. Well, okay Mainers too.
Distraught Child: But now they're all gone?
Sidetracked Father: Well, Maine was flooded when the seas rose, and there weren't enough lobster boats for everybody...
Smartalec Child: No, the cats.
Father: Oh, right. Yep, the cats are all gone, one day there was a furry "Pop" and they all vanished.
Shivering Child: So my feet will never be warm? How will I sleep? How did it happen?
Father: Well, see, one day a man from the high and dry land of Ohio whose name we shall not mention, ran this contest of sorts in a land called the Whatever...

See, you just don't want that kind of Karma. Keep the cats, dump the cheese. If not for the children, then for fathers of the future, for yourselves. Do it yourselves.

Eric | January 16, 2007 05:40 PM

Since my cheese never seems happy to see me, doesn't wait by the door when I'm leaving for work to express sorrow at my leaving for the day, and doesn't do this cute (although sometimes admitedly annoying) thing about jumping up on my chest when I'm slumped in a chair reading and rubbing its head against my chin: cheese will have to go. (And just try entertaining your cheese with a piece of string left over from Christmas packages....) Yes, it's good on chilli, or on a salad, or melted on a hot dog, or served on crackers, or rolled in breading and fried to be dipped in marinara sauce. Cheese will be missed. But consider me selfish and perhaps naive: cheese doesn't act like it loves me.

Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 05:46 PM

Ugh! Read around the typos in that last post. I blame it on the cold, the heat has failed in our building this morning and I'm sitting here with chattering teeth in my parka. It's distracting, and I think my spellchecker has frozen.

Miscellaneous Steve | January 16, 2007 05:49 PM

Yup, the original was made with Cheez whiz...google it if u don't believe me.

I wasn't expressing doubt about the veracity of the Cheez Whiz origins of cheese steaks (I've been to far too many ma-n-pa cheese-steak places in and around Philly and I've seen the ugly truth of the Whiz); I was only saying that I never saw a can of the monstrous cheese-like Whiz at Mama's...which, to me, is a plus.

Nathan | January 16, 2007 05:59 PM

Anne said,

"Cheese, because it tastes MUCH better on Cincinnati chili."

If you had been talking about what the rest of the world considers chili, I'd acknowledge your point. But anything that aids in the eradication of the abomination known as "Cincinnati chili" is to be cheered. Celebrated. Perhaps deified.

Kill the cheese; kill the Cincinnati chili!

Chris Barnes | January 16, 2007 06:04 PM


No, wait, cheese!

Aaaargh! *is catapulted into a ravine in Pythonesque manner*

Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 06:04 PM

"Kill the cheese; kill the Cincinnati chili!"

I agree. Besides, you can make perfectly good chili out of cats. Hey, I know, I once backpacked across Morocco for a month, protein is where you find it...

heather | January 16, 2007 06:13 PM

this is a *really* tough call but since the world doesn't have enough love, i pick cats. cats can give you love (or their version of it, anyway). cheese, though i love it dearly, will never purr in my face or warm my lap on a chilly day. as an extra bonus, cats will also not make me gain weight.

yep. 100% cats.

Tom Scudder | January 16, 2007 06:15 PM

Cheese. Could there be any doubt?

MWT | January 16, 2007 06:16 PM

After lengthy pondering and reading 117 previous votes, I'm going to go with keeping cheese. Without cheese, I wouldn't be getting enough calcium. And there are other animals that can replace cats. Bunnies, for example. Or chinchillas - which have the added bonus of being hypoallergenic.

Peter Burd | January 16, 2007 06:20 PM

Anyone who votes for cheese is obviously part of the mouse lobby. You get rid of their main predator and they keep their food supply. It's all good for them. So you must vote to keep cats. Otherwise the mice could take over the world.

Johnny Carruthers | January 16, 2007 06:24 PM

Cheese. Chocolate and cheese (particularly cream cheese) taste wonderful together.

KonigBadger | January 16, 2007 06:27 PM

I can't really make such a decision until I actually see what going without cheese would be like, but until then I'm gonna say cats stay.

Johnny Carruthers | January 16, 2007 06:27 PM

Got to agree with Nathan on one point; Cincinnati chili IS an abomination, perhaps one of the vilest abominations known to mankind.

Lisa | January 16, 2007 06:28 PM

Aawww, the cats would have to stay. Think of the benifits we would all share without cheese. Cows wouldn't have to be hooked up to machines to milk as much. People would get skinnier. Taco Bell wouldn't be able to ruin its nachos with that terrible concoction they call cheese. If the cats win, we all win.

Kate Baker | January 16, 2007 06:41 PM

I would have to choose cats. Cause once I lose all the weight I've put on, I can get a bunch to cover me to keep me warm.


CosmicDog | January 16, 2007 06:47 PM

Cats. Sweet, fuzzy, cute little cats. Cheese is rotted milk fat. Pheh. Keep the kitties, lose the bacteria created solid milk waste. There.

Bobarino | January 16, 2007 06:48 PM

Wasn't this a Star Trek episode? No?

Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 06:56 PM

Hey! Did anybody else notice the time? It's like almost 07:00 PM at Scalzi's house. Where the hell is he? Damnit, John, you know the rules, you need to CALL if you're going to be late. Dinner's getting cold, and we made your favorite - feline surprise augratin.

Christ, it's like having another teenager around. Don't make us have to ground you.

Laurie Mann | January 16, 2007 06:57 PM


No brainer.

I'm really allergic to cats (along the lines of getting sporadic migraines), and all cheese does is raise my cholesterol... ;->

kitten | January 16, 2007 07:03 PM


i choose cats, of course...the world would be a much sadder place without cats.

Dane | January 16, 2007 07:05 PM

Cats. I choose cheese over cats because no matter what I choose cats could careless and will continue to be no matter what I call them. Cheese means civilization in atleast some form...it's something that has to be maintained or will go away forever...somewhat like a cat, but then that's getting away from my arguement...

Diplomachismo | January 16, 2007 07:19 PM

Cat-milking legal yet? I say if made to choose, ditch cows and see what Gouda be might rendered with a little feline caisin and yeast. Ghlaghgheee surely has some friends who are primed for pumping. Let the Cat-cheese industry be born!

It's not that far-fetched...people are willing to pay $10 for a cup of percolated civet feces, what better to creme the latte than that.

Keep the cats, get rid of cheese as we know it and then get creative with what we have on hand.

Chris | January 16, 2007 07:24 PM

Cheese, a thousand times Cheese, oh my god Cheese.

SpeakerToManagers | January 16, 2007 07:28 PM

Hey, this has to be a trick question! Get rid of one master, just to replace them with another? So it comes down to whether you want to be ruled by active predators like cats or passive foodthings like cheese. Better King Cheeselog than King Stork, I always say.

Aaron Haynes | January 16, 2007 07:31 PM

Cheese by far.

I'm allergic to cats, which doesn't help, but there seems to be no upper limit to how awesomely cheese can be utilized in a meal. I am consistently surprised by a new usage of cheese at least once a year. I predict a bright future for cheese.

Meanwhile, cats remain hairy, calculating, and evil. It is always a gamble with a cat. I have the scars to prove it.

michael | January 16, 2007 08:07 PM

Scalzi; when you said, "pets," I assumed you meant Felis Silvestris Catus, and when you said, "cheese," I assumed you meant the curdled milk of mammals. Given this choice it's got to be the cat that goes because of all the problems associated with implementing the cheese thing. This cheese idea sounds like some sort of grand management plan without regard to how it will be carried out or its ramifications. Let me elaborate

How do you make cheese disappear, do you: 1/ cleanse the planet of all those milk bearing animals, 2/ remove all the curdling agents from Earth, 3/ cause humans to forget, and prevent them - all of them - from ever discovering again how to curdle milk, or 4/ worse yet, make all the mammals lose the ability to lactate? If it's 1/ all the mammals will become extinct, even humans, as our milk can be made into cheese, too. I don't want to bring up Mr. Ellison again, but I do remember he had a story about just this sort of thing in one of his Dangerous Vision anthologies. Sadly, I cannot remember the author not the title, but it was quite shocking - using people as dairy animals. If it's 2/ you’re messing with chemistry, and well that could cause a lot of things to go boom., and if it’s 3/ you're messing with our heads, and I don’t think global brain damage is a good idea either. Worse yet, if it's 4/ you're dooming all the mammals of the Earth to extinction, and many millions of humans to death in infancy.

In short, make those cats go pop because the alternative is just so damn reckless. We’ll just end up domesticating their wild cousins Felis Silvestris in a few generations anyhow.

Andrew | January 16, 2007 08:07 PM

So very very easy, Cheese.

darren | January 16, 2007 08:20 PM

"Cheese. I just loooooooove cheese. Rally I do."

Plus I'm a dog person. I like cats ok, but I'd get over it if they were gone.

SouthpawPL | January 16, 2007 08:21 PM

I would have to go with cheese. Just don't tell my feline overlords.

The thought of no more pizza makes me cry.
Plus, the idea of domesticated pygmy tigers intrigues me...

Steve Buchheit | January 16, 2007 08:25 PM

All ya all (I'm close enough to Western Pennsylvania to have that stick) dissing Cincinnati Chili while pontificating on cheese steak are just blowing smoke. Having once replied "Everything that didn't make it off the counter in time," to the question what was in my chili, I have to say I like Cincinnati (or Greek) chili. If you don't I can only say you haven't tasted it for real (or used Skyline hot sauce).

Besides, true steak sandwiches use butter, not cheese.

Steve Buchheit | January 16, 2007 08:27 PM

Oh, and Nathan, I too am fearful of a world without cats AND Chang. For the children. Think of the children.

Adam Rakunas | January 16, 2007 08:34 PM

Cheese. Because a catsteak just doesn't sound right.

Soni | January 16, 2007 09:02 PM

As much as I pine for fontina, pepper jack and the staid old cheddar, when it sits in my lap as I post naked, it doesn't warm me.


EYE BLEACH!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear God in heaven, have you fools no mercy? Now instead of furry undies all I can see is Chang, whose naked lap is full of smelly cheese. That is sooooo not a pleasant thought.

*scrub scrub scrub*

Chang, ude-nay | January 16, 2007 09:40 PM

It's almost like you guys want to see a picture of me as I post... in my natural environs.

Cassie | January 16, 2007 10:00 PM

Oh, no,

no no no no, Chang.

No pics.

NO PICS. With or without cats, cheese or... natural habitat.

Carolyn | January 16, 2007 10:05 PM

I'm vote to keep the cheese. I live in a neighborhood of stray cats and they lurk everywhere. Around every corner, in my garden, my flower beds, on the vehicles, on the roof, sleeping on the lawn furniture and shredding my umbrella,..... and oh yes, they pooh in my parking place. Since I am no longer a 'lurker' I cannot appreciate their presence. At least I know where the cheese is.

cheshiregrins | January 16, 2007 10:29 PM

Cats or cheese.
Well it can't be cats they are way to proud to allow themselves to be tanged into oblivion. We'd all just be vacuuming up tang sheddings until the cats didn't think it was funny any more.
But CHEESE? I need my drunken goat man.
So.....I guess I'll just have to vote for cats and buy a new vacuum and a lot of bags.

Jim Wright | January 16, 2007 10:37 PM

Soni said: "Now instead of furry undies all I can see is Chang, whose naked lap is full of smelly cheese."

Fumunda Cheese, no doubt.

And I see John STILL isn't home. Let's take all of his stuff...

Cathy | January 16, 2007 10:49 PM

Cats! As many of us already know, cats are essential to the proper functioning of the universe. Cheese, being not quite animate, is not.

Beth | January 16, 2007 11:34 PM

I'm gonna have to keep the cheese. If we eliminate cats, I still have all the wild ones I can take home. I just have to be wary of attacks. If cheese were gone, all of it would be gone, without even a parmesan crumb.

RitaInHood | January 17, 2007 12:06 AM

Can we just get rid of anything labeled "cheese stuff"?

-Rita (part of the great 1/13/07 delurkathon)

Karl Cook | January 17, 2007 12:29 AM

If we got rid of cheese would we hear thing like:

...fresh grated cat on your pasta, ma'am?

...I want my catsteak with catalone, not catwizz, please.

...cat fondue?

I don't know if l like the sound of things like:


cat dip?

three cat stuffed ravioli?

I do feel a bit guilty about depriving some folks of their only loving friend, but pop cats must go!

Matt McIrvin | January 17, 2007 12:46 AM

Does no one remember the worches and zits?

Lee Gray | January 17, 2007 12:47 AM

Keep the cheese. The American fast/microwaved food industry would collapse without the stuff, leaving hundreds of thousands of Americans jobless.

Cats, on the other hand, are actively plotting to take over the world and need to be eradicated before they make their move.

Tania | January 17, 2007 03:05 AM

I asked the husband his opinion when I got home work. This was our conversation.

Tania "So, super spouse, what's it gonna be, cats or cheese?"

John "WTF are you talking about?"

Tania "You have to choose which one to keep, and which one is going to be removed from our universe."

John "No way. That is too unfair. I couldn't pick. Scalzi is a cruel, cruel man. I don't want to live in world without cats OR cheese. I'm too devastated by the concept, I can't choose."

Apparently we are turning in one abstention (John) and one vote for the eradication of cheese (Tania). We still have ice cream - yay!

David Wisehart | January 17, 2007 03:37 AM

Does the cat come with bacon?

suanie | January 17, 2007 04:08 AM

cheese for teh win!

john | January 17, 2007 07:42 AM

That's so easy it's almost a non-question.

Cheese, of course.

Got mice in your barn? A terrier will hunt them down just as well as any cat, and he'll love you for the chance at them.

On the other hand, what would you do if you couldn't order fried mozarella to go with your favorite frosty beverage at the local sports bar. You'd just END.

So Cheese FTW.

Gennita Low | January 17, 2007 08:24 AM

I'm Asian. I eat cats. The other white meat and all that.

I hate (okay, dislike) cheese.

CATS GET TO STAY, you lucky things!


StarDragon | January 17, 2007 02:39 PM

Who wrote this survey? Rodent Jihad?

Gwen | January 17, 2007 02:46 PM

"Cats, on the other hand, are actively plotting to take over the world and need to be eradicated before they make their move."

Someone hasn't been paying attention...;^)

Cats stay. They are warm and furry and amusing and smart and perfect and without them, the world wouldn't run as smoothly as it does.
Cheese has no mousing or ratcatching power. Think of all of the people who would starve to death with their grain stores eliminated by rodents! Think of all of the deaths when/if the Bubonic Plague comes back after you have thoughtlessly eliminated our feline protectors!
Not to mention: cheese does not chase laser pointers. Cheese does not look funny when bacon is taped to it. Cheese does not feel good when you pet it, nor does it purr or lick you. Cheese, in fact, is very boring. It just sits there, and grows mold, and gets eaten.
I have never had to carve mold off of my cat, as someone upthread put it. The cat stays.

Pete | January 17, 2007 04:28 PM

I choose cheese. Then, I would call upon the cheese sculptors of the world to make cheesy effigies of our feline friends and hope for a Disney-style resolution to the problem of no kitties.

Dave | January 17, 2007 04:35 PM

I think both cats and cheese are plots to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.

Feed all the cheese to the cats, then lose the cats.

Dave | January 17, 2007 05:45 PM

It's not meant to be an easy choice, but it is for me. I'm a dog lover from Wisconsin. Cheese it is!

a.a.johnston | January 17, 2007 06:37 PM

"The fog comes
on little cheese feet" ~Carl Sandburg

Schroedinger's Cheese?

Cheese'n Boots?

Morris the Cheese

The Cheese in the Hat

Just remember, everytime you eat a piece of cheese, God Kills a Kitten.

Cats stay.

Queenie | January 17, 2007 07:12 PM

Well it all depends. What would you rather have, a delicious slice of Jarlsberg or a stupid furry animal you have to clean up after, feed, and generally work for?

Cheese. Of course, then we would all go read "The Slice Of Cheese That Walks Through Walls", which would definitely not be on the New York Times bestseller list at all, but I think we can all handle it. Cheese is tasty, nutritious, delicious, a major industry, and an important cultural food to many people. As opposed to cats, which are pets and do nothing but wreck people's cars and kill mice. What did the mice ever do to them, may I ask? Cheese souffle. Cheetos. Cheesy fries. Come on.

Anna L | January 17, 2007 10:25 PM

Mmmm, cheese. I *love* cheese. Caesar salad! Cheddar omelets! Lasagna! Roquefort dressing! Dill havarti on ham sandwiches! Pizza!

The choice is easy.

Cats forever! (But I will miss the cheese.)

Pixi | January 18, 2007 05:04 PM

Keep the cats, Cheese will never sit in my lap and purr.

Amy | January 19, 2007 01:06 AM

Cats. Bye bye cheese.
Cheese never greets you after a long day at work or cuddles happily against your feet.
Cheese is fattening too.

Nicole J. LeBoeuf-Little | January 19, 2007 05:57 AM

Here's how we'll do it.

We'll put a couple representatives of the Cat family (for instance, our very own Uno and Null) on the left side of the room. And then we'll put a nice selection of cheese on the right side of the room. And then we'll shine the beam from my housemate's red laser pointer thingie all over the middle of the room.

Whichever team provides me with the most entertainment wins.

Failing that, whichever team still exists as its own entity, rather than having become a mess of enzymes in another team member's tummy, wins.

I'm waiting. Make with the laser thingie.

Robbie | February 25, 2007 05:40 PM

Stumbled on this on a google search. What to do? What a devistating choice! I have four cats, I sell cheese. I can't eat the cats, even if I could whip up a tasty dish with them. I can't live without cheese! I can't live without cats!

The mind reels.

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