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December 07, 2006

Kill Me Now, Ho Ho Ho

I just heard this Christmas song and felt the immediate urge to stab myself in the eye with a pine bough, and just keep jamming it through. I believe it may now be my most hated Christmas song. And it took just one listen! That's an accomplishment, of a sort.

Posted by john at December 7, 2006 10:21 AM

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Chang, who gets nothing done without BRAINZ | December 7, 2006 10:30 AM

Holy Fusk! I don't even want to hear it from looking at the site!

The Barking Dogs (the original one) is the daddy! It always brings tears to my eyes and tell me Christmas is here!

Steve Buchheit | December 7, 2006 10:43 AM

Without listening to the actual music version, just reading the lyrics, it's a rip on Matchstick Girl and Frosty with a little Greek thrown in for good measure.

Ron Hogan | December 7, 2006 11:10 AM

From the singer who brought you "The Sweater!"

Until I clicked through, I thought it was going to be cats meowing out "The Carol of the Bells" or something.

John Scalzi | December 7, 2006 11:15 AM

No. Meowing cats I could handle. Mawkish dispatching of felines for seasonal enjoyment, not so much.

Chang, who gets nothing done without BRAINZ | December 7, 2006 11:22 AM

They secks teh katz for Xmas pleasurez?? Crewl.

Steve Buchheit | December 7, 2006 11:24 AM

Aw, but John, it's to teach us all an important message of the holidays. That Santa Claus is the redemer. Or, something like that. So et in Arcadia ego and ol' St. Nick rocks. I mean, isn't that the true meaning of Christmas?

John Scalzi | December 7, 2006 11:36 AM

The true meaning of Christmas is me kicking the crap out of the dude who wrote this ear-crushingly bad song. That's what Santa and the Baby Jesus want. Just ask them.

Ron Hogan | December 7, 2006 12:04 PM

You have to admit though, it's the final illustration in the liner notes of Santa holding the dead cat in his mittened hands aloft towards the heavens that truly makes the album.

Rayyy | December 7, 2006 12:07 PM

I played the clip on iTunes. It's for putting grumpy toddlers to sleep, right? Background noise - like a dishwasher.

If you ask me, I prefer the dishwasher: Better lyrics.

Mary | December 7, 2006 12:14 PM

I vaguely remember hearing this once and getting a wee bit teary, but I didn't seek it out again, because I don't get a kick out of hearing about dead animals, or dead children. (I read Pet Semetary once only and never again for that very reason.)

Apropos of nothing much: I knew that Meryn Cadell had gotten out of music a few years ago, but I didn't know until a couple of months ago that Meryn came out as a transgendered man in 2004. Luckily, the name works either way and he kept it.

Steve Buchheit | December 7, 2006 12:21 PM

I have to admit that a kitty snuff song isn't my cup of Christmas, but then I like strange Christmas music. Play Mariah Carey's album at me and I may just mangle you in a way not envisioned by the Xmas Horror movie director's never thought possible. I'll keep my Susan Werner doing Kipling's "Pilgrims Way," Tish Hinojosa's "Arbolito," Peter Mayer's "Birthday Party," Tim O'Brien "Bah Humbug," Mary Gauthier's "Christmas in Paradise," and the other eclectic renditions I've gathered over the years.

John Scalzi | December 7, 2006 12:33 PM


"I knew that Meryn Cadell had gotten out of music a few years ago, but I didn't know until a couple of months ago that Meryn came out as a transgendered man in 2004."


To be sure, the singing in the thing is fine. It's just the song that makes my skin creep.

Dave Munger | December 7, 2006 12:50 PM

Yikes! Someone needs to clue this person in to the concept of one syllable, one note.

Jeff Mountjoy | December 7, 2006 12:57 PM

I heard this contender for Most Depressing Christmas Song Ever a few years ago, when it was new, and it made me a little weepy. That's not the same as saying it's a good song; it's teeth-achingly bad, and I can't imagine listening to it again. But it's good for tugging the heartstrings of cat owners. We have a managed feral cat colony in our garage, and we had just found a frozen cat right before I heard the song, which probably didn't help....
And, not that anyone asked, my favorite offbeat Christmas album is probably Loreena McKennitt's To Drive The Cold Winter Away. Good stuff.

Nathan | December 7, 2006 01:46 PM

On the plus side S/He does give us excuse to badmouth Canada.

John Scalzi | December 7, 2006 01:48 PM

Hey, now. I love me that Canada.

Eddie | December 7, 2006 01:49 PM

I didn't listen to the music.

The lyrics push my button well enough.

Probably written with an eye toward making a buck off sentimental kitty lovers.

I would like to lock the person who wrote the lyrics in a cage with some really large rodents and feral cats and slowly lower the temperature inside until they all became best buddies and huddled together for warmth.

It could happen.

Right. Just like a Disney movie.

Nathan | December 7, 2006 01:50 PM

BTW and apropos of nothing at all, someone's auctioning off a one-of-a-kind version of a Velvet Underground album on ebay. Bidding currently at $150,300. Hop right in there kiddies!


Ron Hogan | December 7, 2006 01:56 PM

I do love me that Loreena McKennitt album. My favorite holiday album, though is probably 'Tis the Season for Los Straitjackets, because nothing says holidays like surf guitar from guys in Mexican wrestling masks.

Eddie | December 7, 2006 02:10 PM

Dude. 150K for a Velvet Underground Album!Imagine what they could get if Lou Reed weren't still alive.Did you notice the high bidder has never bought anything costing over $335.LOL

Too rich for my blood.But that original VU poster for only $1799 would make a most excellent Christmas gift for Dad.

Forgive my OT.

Yanni | December 7, 2006 02:28 PM

This makes baby Jesus cry.

Miscellaneous Steve | December 7, 2006 03:11 PM

Read the lyrics and, really, that was enough. I don't even want to know how bad the music is they concocted to go along with 'em.

As for favorite off-beat Christmas album, I gotta go with The Yobs Christmas Album. Profane punk rock versions of Christmas songs along with a couple of original compositions. How can I resist it?

G. Jules | December 7, 2006 03:35 PM

I dunno. I'm on the fence about whether this one is actually worse than the one about the ragamuffin kid who saves all his money to buy Christmas shoes for his dying-of-cancer mother so she can look pretty once she dies and goes to Heaven. (I believe the song is called "Christmas Shoes", if anyone out there is really looking for another reason to give themselves a home trepanation with a stake of holly.)

John Scalzi | December 7, 2006 03:39 PM

Yeah, but this one has death and Santa!

kevin | December 7, 2006 03:57 PM

G. Jules

Yes, its Christmas Shoes, and it's worse. The song ends with the lines:

I knew I’d caught a glimpse of heaven’s love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

At least the cat song doesn't carry the implication that God orphans children and sends poor woman a painful, painful death so some smug twit in a department store can feel a bit o'that Christmas Magic.

I really hate that song.

Kristin B | December 7, 2006 05:07 PM

RE: Carol of the Bells by Cats (well, men making cat noises).

If you want it...here it is...

Jon | December 7, 2006 06:26 PM

I didn't listen. The lyrics are bad enough to make me vomit. Fortunately, I have not eaten in the last few hours.

My favorite Christmas CD has to be "Oy to the World!" by the Klezmonauts. How can you beat a picture of a christmas tree ornament with a star of David on it?

fishbane | December 7, 2006 06:42 PM

Whatever you do, avoid Paranoid Larry's holiday cheer.

handdrummer | December 7, 2006 07:38 PM

After 35 years in retail my favorite holiday song is Tom Wait's Step Right Up.

Greg | December 7, 2006 07:46 PM

I'm gonna chime in here and concur with all of the people who said that Christmas Shoes is probably the worst Christmas song ever. It's basically a cynical assembly of every heartrending cliche ever, with a FAKE CHILDREN'S CHOIR tossed in at the end just to up the gagging.

Joe Rybicki | December 8, 2006 01:06 AM

It had to be done.

If images don't fly here, here's a link

John Scalzi | December 8, 2006 03:04 AM


Glad I wasn't drinking anything.

RichardP | December 8, 2006 04:55 AM

May I present Jingle Rock Bell.

rochelle | December 8, 2006 11:05 AM

Someone beat me, but "Christmas Shoes" is the one that makes me want to do bodily harm to me and anyone nearby. Bonus points for the syrupy arrangement and Branson-grade vocals. http://www.lyricsstyle.com/n/newsong/thechristmasshoes.html

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

It's a song that my kids use to torture each other. You know...one is in the front seat, the other behind. The song comes on, groans all around, but the kid in the front seat cranks it to annoy the kid in the back seat.

rochelle | December 8, 2006 11:08 AM

Oh, yeah. Re: cat "music." One year, a family member of my former husband burned two cds of meowling cat music for my girls, one nothing but Christmas tunes. It ain't Christmas at my house until you've heard the Nutcracker and Silent Night performed by cats.

Dr. Thingo | December 8, 2006 02:13 PM

I'm a couple of days behind, but I've got to have my say.

Yes, this is an intensely corny song. Still, I have to admit that I got a little misty the first time I heard it. Admittedly, that was in a car while I was taking my sick cat to the vet. The cat got better, but, y'know, give me some sympathy.

More importantly, let me put in a plug for Meryn Cadell. He (she, at the time) sang the song, but didn't write it. His own music is fantastic, and worth a listen. Do what you need to do to get your hands on Angel Food for Thought, and to a lesser extent Bombazine. They're packed with wit, satire, and good tunes.

Joe Rybicki | December 8, 2006 02:29 PM

I also will throw in a recommendation for M. Cadell's intensely quirky music. Every time I see Benny 16 on TV I can't help but think "He's the pope, pope, pope, pope-pope."

Eh, guess you had to be there.

Tripp | December 8, 2006 09:24 PM

Ewwww, Christmas Shoes. I was trying to figure out why this was SO bad. Yeah - tear-jerker poor kid dieing mother but I think it must be the buying of the shoes, frigging shoes. Has any kid ever really bought shoes for his Mom? That is so weird. And the story teller has to blow his own horn by paying part of the dough. and finally now we know why God created poverty - to remind us of Jesus! Yeah!

Josh Jasper | December 9, 2006 07:15 AM

Cleab your ears out with The Kinks - Father Christmas

John Schuchard | December 13, 2006 05:14 AM

Just what Christmas was lacking- another martyr.

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