Q | September 13, 2006 11:03 AM

Tape won't stick to bacon...

Staples are right out...

I'm gonna suggest some sort of binary epoxy here...

Steve Brady | September 13, 2006 11:14 AM

Are you gonna cook the bacon first, or will it be raw?

Chris Gerrib | September 13, 2006 11:15 AM

Write?

Jeff Hentosz | September 13, 2006 11:23 AM

oh, YES! Dogs love it when you attach bacon to the cat!! -- however you do it!!! Cheese, too!!!!

signed, Olivia, Jeff's dog

["Olivia? Are you on the computer again?"]

Gotta go!

critter42 | September 13, 2006 11:24 AM

If you do decide to use cooked bacon, make sure you do it in this order:


1) Cook the bacon

2) tape it to the cat

And not the other way around...

Kevin Q | September 13, 2006 11:27 AM

You plan to tape bacon to the cat, and you still think you'll have the time to do 9 other things? Man, when I start taping bacon to the cat, that just swallows up the whole day.

K

Chang | September 13, 2006 11:35 AM

I'm not gonna ask about the bacon. SOunds creepy.

Fight grime, you say?

I'm gonna say throw some writing of TLC in there, bucko. I'm getting bored with my sudoku books.

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 11:35 AM

Well, I would guess for the dog, attaching the bacon to the dog with cheese wize would only make it better.

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 11:38 AM

"cheese wiz"

Oh yeah, John, this just came to me, you could edit the typing.

Chang | September 13, 2006 11:42 AM

Steve?

cheese wize?

Is that a midwest sort of thing?

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 11:45 AM

Or you could fight the crime of taping bacon to cats before frying said bacon while eating cheese with Jo Walton (why crime is going on around Jo Walton, I don't know, but there it is) wielding presigned copies of Scott Westerfield's new book.

Mmmm, cheesy crime fighting.

I tried to fit in the Denver thing, but thought would have required one more rewrite.

And yes, please shower.

Dr. Phil | September 13, 2006 11:47 AM

Scalzi, is taping bacon to the cat the new cat waxing? Man, I never get the memoes on these things. Worse, I just bought a new can of Cat Wax...

Dr. Phil

PS- does it count that we used to have a cat who loved Planter's Cheese Balls? She'd roll them around in her mouth, then put them back. You wouldn't realize at a party that she'd struck again, until you reached for a couple of Cheese Balls... and they were soggy. (grin)

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 11:49 AM

We have smarty cheese here, Chang. Something to do with the cows and the Amish genetic labratory down in Middlefield. I don't understand the full implications or ramifications of it all but it's slightly better than jack-pepper and less than mustard cheese and you occationally get cows that have attained full enlightenment leviating over the highways. It can distract the deer from their intense study of headlight technology, which, as we know, only leads to heart-ache.

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 11:50 AM

I can't type today. Sorry.

Hugh | September 13, 2006 11:56 AM

If you want a really interesting day, after you tape the bacon to the cat, attach some tuna to the dog.

Hugh | September 13, 2006 12:01 PM

BTW, do shower; we can smell that manly author stench down here in Cincinnati. I can only imagine how it must smell in Piqua. Not piquant, I suspect.

O.G.N | September 13, 2006 12:04 PM

5a Incorporate the Campbell award in your superhero costume. I'm sure it's good for at least a +1 to armor class, +3 vs critics.

Dr. Phil | September 13, 2006 12:07 PM

The Campbell Award also apparently makes a nice cheese board.

Dr. Phil

Jeff Hentosz | September 13, 2006 12:12 PM

Want the links to some cool Photoshop plug-ins? First tries are free.

Tor | September 13, 2006 12:13 PM

I was going to suggest taping catnip to the dog, but I suppose tuna works well too, although somewhat more fragrent.

CJ | September 13, 2006 12:15 PM

I'm pretty sure that the mandatory sentence for cat-bacon-taping is thirty days hard labor at the SPCA, bathing all the stray cats. Furthermore, they don't issue the kind of protective hockey goalie gear that you need to do the job in the first place.

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 12:16 PM

hide all the hobnails.

Nathan | September 13, 2006 12:17 PM

OK, I just grossed myself out thinking about what I was going to add to this thread. You'll just have to imagine.

John League | September 13, 2006 12:19 PM

Who is this "crime" that all the superheroes (and Scalzi) keep fighting? Why doesn't he/she have his/her own comic book? Why doesn't Scalzi have his own comic book? How am I supposed to keep up?

Steve Buchheit | September 13, 2006 12:21 PM

Or my favorite time waster, I mean the reason why I don't get more writing done, I mean the most joyful activity I can think of... :)

Pay attention to the wife.

It pays in dividends.

Cassie | September 13, 2006 12:42 PM

Steve said:I can't type today. Sorry.

Who cares about your typing? ROFL

John: I thought your family's division of tasks was that Krissy fought crime between making gourmet feasts.

Phillip J. Birmingham | September 13, 2006 01:07 PM

CJ

I'm pretty sure that the mandatory sentence for cat-bacon-taping is thirty days hard labor at the SPCA, bathing all the stray cats.

Taping anything to a cat is its own punishment.

Mary Robinette Kowal | September 13, 2006 01:40 PM

Seeing, I'm squinting at this and wondering if the subtext is, "I finished The Last Colony."

Dane | September 13, 2006 01:49 PM

I am a bit disappointed with the taped bacon...I envisioned it being taped to its feet for some reason, sort of like bacon-skis on an enraged feline snowmobile.

John Scalzi | September 13, 2006 01:50 PM

Well, I still have to live with the cat, you know.

David Kirkpatrick | September 13, 2006 01:52 PM

Quote: "If you have any other ideas as to what I might choose to do with the day, I'm open to suggestion."

Well, if you really don't know what to do with it, you could auction it on eBay. I'm always hearing people say that they could use an extra day in their week to get everything done; I'll bet you could get a lot of money for the day if you sell it off to the highest bidder.

Andrew | September 13, 2006 02:23 PM

Shipping costs on a day are killer.

Rookie | September 13, 2006 03:50 PM

Kill yourself by the wall.

Dwight Brown | September 13, 2006 05:47 PM

"5. Fight crime.

6. Enjoy some cheese."

Theoretical questions:
1) Can you do both: that is, fight crime while enjoying some cheese?

2) Assuming you can, what are the best cheeses to enjoy while fighting crime? Off the top of my head, I'm dubious of Swiss (the whole neutrality thing), and think havarti would be interesting to try (it sort of sounds like a comic book sound effect: "Biff!" "Pow!" "Blam!" "Socko!" "Havarti!").

Carol Elaine | September 13, 2006 06:30 PM

Dwight, I think if John can take the "fragrance", limburger would be best, as it would disable all criminals within five mile radius.

Goat cheese would also be good, but I despise goat cheese (it's what I imagine sweaty gym socks might taste like), so I would just throw it at criminals, as opposed to eating it.

Diplomachismo | September 13, 2006 06:42 PM

I never quite got the gym-socks comparison with Limburger. To me it smells like a an old vinyl watchband. Perhaps if I spent more time in gymsocks rather then with digital watches, the reference would work better for me.

Carol Elaine | September 13, 2006 06:47 PM

BTW, John and fans, I'm sure y'all have heard the latest Pluto news.

I don't know why I'm taking this so hard, but it just may be fetal ball time under the desk.

Excuse me, but I have a rug to soak with my Tears of Despair.

Janiece | September 13, 2006 07:22 PM

Ah, despair for the (dwarf) planet formerly known as Pluto...will the Pluto Hata's never cease?

How is Athena taking the news?

pinguino | September 13, 2006 07:38 PM

you totally need to submit this to stuffonmycat.com

Ginny | September 14, 2006 02:11 AM

Listen, mister: anyone can tape pork products to a cat--in fact, I'm quite sure it's been done at stuffonmycat.com. You had fighting crime on your list. Did you accomplish this task?

...more importantly, were you wearing tights and a cape at the time?

John Scalzi | September 14, 2006 07:24 AM

Ginny:

"I'm quite sure it's been done at stuffonmycat.com."

I don't think it has, actually. I searched that site. No bacon on cats.

I may have achieved an Internet first. Which is frightening in itself.

W0WDru1d | September 14, 2006 12:17 PM

HAHAHA, i came accross this site from a FARK.com link. This is easily some of the funniest stuff ive seen. Also, it was the highlight of my work day. Bacon on cats, thats INSANE!! I linked it to EVERYONE i know. HAHA

dichroic | September 14, 2006 12:17 PM

After the first third of the book, I emailed Jo Walton to tell her how perfectly right she'd gotten some things about being Jewish and intermarried.

I don't usually do that (fangirl emails, I mean).

BIll Marcy | September 14, 2006 01:57 PM

Blame Bush!

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/businesstechnology/2003257679_oilconsumers14.html

Ginny | September 14, 2006 04:45 PM

Yes, since commenting I've realized that you indeed are the first person in internet history to tape bacon to your cat. This puts you right up there with whoever first throught to put pancakes on their bunny.

I've been trying to find my own way to achieve Internet Greatness today using my Yorkshire Terrier. At first I thought perhaps I could find a larger dog to tape him to, but this will not do--I need breakfast food.

My options so far:

Stud his face with Cap'n Crunch
Tape sausage links to his ears
Place a fried egg on his head
Make a Ceerios necklace.

I approached him with these various implements of destruction, but as you can see he wasn't interested.

If he doesn't smarten up and take one for the team I'm duct-taping him to a rottweiler, I swear.

wench | September 14, 2006 05:10 PM

Now, I'm sure that taping bacon to your cat is a crime somewhere. So if you taped Bacon to the cat and then called the police and reported yourself, you'd knock out two items at once! If you then showered to get the fur & bacon grease off, that's 3....

K.M. | September 15, 2006 09:36 AM

What's next, taping the same piece of bacon to three cats at once? Maybe making bacon- armor for the cat, complete with the viking hat!

I{ IVI

Vicky | September 15, 2006 01:24 PM

Thanks very much for recommending Jo Walton's book. I knew I would like it from her intro acknowledging Josephine Tey, Dorothy Sayers and Peter Dickinson as influences. It is beautifully written, engrossing and powerful.

Vicky

PDVS | September 15, 2006 03:48 PM

Eat the Bacon and the cheeze, Then use the cat, and tape to fight crime.

Michael | September 15, 2006 05:28 PM

Q, Bacon can be stapled to cats just fine. You just have to make sure you just pull together some fur and staple it to that. This of course works best with uncooked bacon. Use lots of staples. Be carefull not to staple directly to the skin of the cat as they hate that and it could result in injury to yourself. It also causes the cat to be increasingly slippery thus making it more difficult to place enough staples.

Ziggy | March 12, 2007 11:37 AM

has anyone ever taped bacon to a dog?

John Scalzi | March 12, 2007 11:43 AM

Not so far as we know. Live that dream, Ziggy!