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March 22, 2005

Clearing the Sulferous Air


Just to address the rumors:

1. Yes, apparently a gateway to Hell randomly appeared in my basement last week. That "sump pump flooding" story: A tissue of lies. Sorry.

2. Yes, I was briefly possessed by an entity of pure unfathomable malevolence, who claimed various names, among them "Sulferlucent," "Gadsennezzar," and "Tom Delay," and who demanded to watch episodes of Who's the Boss and to feast on kittens.

3. No, we did not feast on kittens. Yes, we watched Who's the Boss, but only briefly -- just long enough for the malevolent entity to confirm there were worse things than Hell.

4. Yes, a Weekly World News reporter and photographer happened to photograph me whilst possessed. No, I don't know their current whereabouts or how they could have disappeared without a trace. You'll to ask someone else about where their bones may lay. Their sweet, crunchy, marrow-filled bones.

5. Yes, the entity of pure unfathomable malevolence eventually left my body, closing the Hellish portal behind it. Well, mostly. No, our house is not now powered exclusively from geothermal vents. The vents are certainly thermal, but scientists and theologians both might argue the "geo-" aspect.

6. No, I'm not liable to be possessed again anytime soon.

7. Yes, your bones look very sweet indeed.

Posted by john at March 22, 2005 01:34 PM

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marrije | March 22, 2005 02:15 PM

Please step away from the Photoshop slowly. Or did you teach Athena some cool Photoshop tricks today? In that case: go Athena! Great background!

RooK | March 22, 2005 02:21 PM

You can almost hear some sort of deadline approaching, can't you?

John Scalzi | March 22, 2005 02:23 PM

Indeed, this is what writers' Hell looks like.

Spencer | March 22, 2005 05:06 PM

Demon or Rabid Gopher, you be the judge.

John Scalzi | March 22, 2005 06:53 PM

Why not both?

D. Shaw | March 22, 2005 07:01 PM

Mmmm Kittens...

Jim Winter | March 22, 2005 08:22 PM

OK, the real entry was supposed to be only one line:

Hey! Who farted?

John Scalzi | March 22, 2005 08:50 PM

We don't do fart jokes around here, Jim. Demonic possession, murder and cannibalism jokes, yes. Fart jokes, no.

Jp | March 23, 2005 09:16 AM

Yes, Jim, I don't know why you were doing expecting Mr Scalzi to put fart jokes on the Whatever. Really! What were you thinking?

He saves the A-material for his books.


John Scalzi | March 23, 2005 09:27 AM

Indeed, I will argue that "The Android's Dream" has possibly the best fart scene in all of science fiction. Probably not the thing I will eventually want to be remembered for, mind you. But for now, it'll do.

Jp | March 23, 2005 09:28 AM

Oops. s/doing//

mythago | March 25, 2005 12:50 AM

Of course he doesn't eat kittens! You have to wait until they grow into cats, the better to sodomize them while smoking crack.

Tracina | March 25, 2005 07:09 AM

Oh, come now, people. If you eat the kittens, you have nothing to place poker bets with.

Melanie Fletcher | March 26, 2005 04:12 PM

Jeez, John, you might want to lay off the crystal meth when you're working on a deadline from now on.

Heather Braum | March 29, 2005 07:21 PM

SEE the resemblance is uncanny!!! You look like your sister before coffee...I "don't" have photoshop hahahahaha

I'm reading backwards of course... Peace

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