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December 01, 2004

The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time

Update, 11/24/06: I wrote this piece three years ago as part of a fundraiser I did for Reading is Fundamental, then posted it on the Whatever a year later, after which it was bought by National Lampoon for its Web site. However, it doesn't appear to be available on that Web site anymore (the link I had went nowhere), so I'm reposting it here. Enjoy!

The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time

By John Scalzi

An Algonquin Round Table Christmas (1927)

Alexander Woolcott, Franklin Pierce Adams, George Kaufman, Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker were the stars of this 1927 NBC Red radio network special, one of the earliest Christmas specials ever performed. Unfortunately the principals, lured to the table for an unusual evening gathering by the promise of free drinks and pirogies, appeared unaware they were live and on the air, avoiding witty seasonal banter to concentrate on trashing absent Round Tabler Edna Ferber's latest novel, Mother Knows Best, and complaining, in progressively drunken fashion, about their lack of sex lives. Seasonal material of a sort finally appears in the 23rd minute when Dorothy Parker, already on her fifth drink, can be heard to remark, "one more of these and I'll be sliding down Santa's chimney." The feed was cut shortly thereafter. NBC Red's 1928 holiday special "Christmas with the Fitzgeralds" was similarly unsuccessful.

The Mercury Theater of the Air Presents the Assassination of Saint Nicholas (1939)

Listeners of radio's Columbia Broadcasting System who tuned in to hear a Christmas Eve rendition of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol were shocked when they heard what appeared to be a newscast from the north pole, reporting that Santa's Workshop had been overrun in a blitzkrieg by Finnish proxies of the Nazi German government. The newscast, a hoax created by 20-something wunderkind Orson Wells as a seasonal allegory about the spread of Fascism in Europe, was so successful that few listeners stayed to listen until the end, when St. Nick emerged from the smoking ruins of his workshop to deliver a rousing call to action against the authoritarian tide and to urge peace on Earth, good will toward men and expound on the joys of a hot cup of Mercury Theater of Air's sponsor Campbell's soup. Instead, tens of thousands of New York City children mobbed the Macy's Department Store on 34th, long presumed to be Santa's New York embassy, and sang Christmas carols in wee, sobbing tones. Only a midnight appearance of New York mayor Fiorello LaGuardia in full Santa getup quelled the agitated tykes. Welles, now a hunted man on the Eastern seaboard, decamped for Hollywood shortly thereafter.

Ayn Rand's A Selfish Christmas (1951)

In this hour-long radio drama, Santa struggles with the increasing demands of providing gifts for millions of spoiled, ungrateful brats across the world, until a single elf, in the engineering department of his workshop, convinces Santa to go on strike. The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts -- and therefore Christmas -- possible. Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers. In later letters, Rand sneeringly described these executives as "anti-life."

The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode: "A Most Illogical Holiday" (1968)

Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa's headquarters. With the help of the comely and lonely Mrs. Claus, Kirk is led to the heart of the workshop, where he learns the truth: Santa is himself a pawn to a master computer, whose initial program is based on an ancient book of children's Christmas tales. Kirk engages the master computer in a battle of wits, demanding the computer explain how it is physically possible for Santa to deliver gifts to all the children in the universe in a single night. The master computer, confronted with this computational anomaly, self-destructs; Santa, freed from mental enslavement, releases the elves and begins a new, democratic society. Back on the ship, Bones and Spock bicker about the meaning of Christmas, an argument which ends when Scotty appears on the bridge with egg nog made with Romulan Ale.

Filmed during the series' run, this episode was never shown on network television and was offered in syndication only once, in 1975. Star Trek fans hint the episode was later personally destroyed by Gene Roddenberry. Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978's IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as "a quiescently glistening cherem of pus."

Bob & Carol & Ted & Santa (1973)

This ABC Christmas special featured Santa as a happy-go-lucky swinger who comically wades into the marital bed of two neurotic 70s couples, and also the music of the Carpenters. It was screened for television critics but shelved by the network when the critics, assembled at ABC's New York offices, rose as one to strangle the producers at the post-viewing interview. Joel Siegel would later write, "When Santa did his striptease for Carol while Karen Carpenter sang 'Top of the World' and peered through an open window, we all looked at each other and knew that we television critics, of all people, had been called upon to defend Western Civilization. We dared not fail."

A Muppet Christmas with Zbigniew Brzezinski (1978)

A year before their rather more successful Christmas pairing with John Denver, the Muppets joined Carter Administration National Security Advisor Brezezinski for an evening of fun, song, and anticommunist rhetoric. While those who remember the show recall the pairing of Brzezinki and Miss Piggy for a duet of "Winter Wonderland" as winsomely enchanting, the scenes where the NSA head explains the true meaning of Christmas to an assemblage of Muppets dressed as Afghan mujahideen was incongruous and disturbing even then. Washington rumor, unsupported by any Carter administration member, suggests that President Carter had this Christmas special on a repeating loop while he drafted his infamous "Malaise" speech.

The Village People in Can't Stop the Christmas Music -- On Ice! (1980)

Undeterred by the miserable flop of the movie Can't Stop the Music!, last place television network NBC aired this special, in which music group the Village People mobilize to save Christmas after Santa Claus (Paul Lynde) experiences a hernia. Thus follows several musical sequences -- on ice! -- where the Village People move Santa's Workshop to Christopher Street, enlist their friends to become elves with an adapted version of their hit "In The Navy," and draft film co-star Bruce Jenner to become the new Santa in a sequence which involves stripping the 1976 gold medal decathlon winner to his shorts, shaving and oiling his chest, and outfitting him in fur-trimmed red briefs and crimson leathers to a disco version of "Come O Ye Faithful." Peggy Fleming, Shields and Yarnell and Lorna Luft co-star.

Interestingly, there is no reliable data regarding the ratings for this show, as the Nielsen diaries for this week were accidentally consumed by fire. Show producers estimate that one in ten Americans tuned in to at least part of the show, but more conservative estimates place the audience at no more than two or three percent, tops.

A Canadian Christmas with David Cronenberg (1986)

Faced with Canadian content requirements but no new programming, the Canadian Broadcasting Company turned to Canadian director David Cronenberg, hot off his success with Scanners and The Fly, to fill the seasonal gap. In this 90-minute event, Santa (Michael Ironside) makes an emergency landing in the Northwest Territories, where he is exposed to a previously unknown virus after being attacked by a violent moose. The virus causes Santa to develop both a large, tooth-bearing orifice in his belly and a lustful hunger for human flesh, which he sates by graphically devouring Canadian celebrities Bryan Adams, Dan Ackroyd and Gordie Howe on national television. Music by Neil Young.

Noam Chomsky: Deconstructing Christmas (1998)

This PBS/WGBH special featured linguist and social commentator Chomsky sitting at a desk, explaining how the development of the commercial Christmas season directly relates to the loss of individual freedoms in the United States and the subjugation of indigenous people in southeast Asia. Despite a rave review by Z magazine, musical guest Zach de la Rocha and the concession of Chomsky to wear a seasonal hat for a younger demographic appeal, this is known to be the least requested Christmas special ever made.

Christmas with the Nuge (2002)

Spurred by the success of The Osbournes on sister network MTV, cable network VH1 contracted zany hard rocker Ted Nugent to help create a "reality" Christmas special. Nugent responded with a special that features the Motor City Madman bowhunting, and then making jerky from, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, all specially flown in to Nugent's Michigan compound for the occasion. In the second half of the hour-long special, Nugent heckles vegetarian Night Ranger/Damn Yankees bassist Jack Blades into consuming three strips of dove jerky. Fearing the inevitable PETA protest, and boycotts from Moby and Pam Anderson, VH1 never aired the special, which is available solely by special order at the Nuge Store on TedNugent.com.

Posted by john at December 1, 2004 08:28 AM

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Comments

Edward Trimnell | December 1, 2004 11:39 AM

John:

Kudos for your Ayn Rand satire. I read Atlas Shrugged many years ago, and your piece brought it all back. I think that even Ms. Rand would have (briefly) cracked a smile upon reading it.

Dennis | December 1, 2004 12:00 PM

I'm sorry to say it took me a couple of articles to realize the episodes weren't real. Great job!

Do you know if anyone has ever asked Harlan Ellison if he wrote the Christmas episode of Star Trek? I'd love to see him at a con and ask him...

Coleen | December 1, 2004 12:10 PM

See, and I thought you were going to include something like "Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey." Heh.

Sternel | December 1, 2004 12:33 PM

...the Star Wars Holiday Special didn't make the cut?

If the SWHS didn't count than I shudder to think how truly bad these items must be.

Either that, or my friends weren't lying when they claimed to have one of the few copies still in existence, right before I was tied down and gagged and forced to watch it.

John Scalzi | December 1, 2004 12:45 PM

Sternel asks:

"...the Star Wars Holiday Special didn't make the cut?"

Of course not. Life Day totally ROCKS.

JamesG | December 1, 2004 12:58 PM

What a great piece. I actually laughed out loud several times, earning concerend looks from my office mate. Oh well, he already thinks I'm a little off.

Glad to see you back.

dasmb | December 1, 2004 03:19 PM

Your Village People parody stands as one of the most carefully constructed and artfully executed gay jokes I've seen.

But honestly? I think that the Star Trek special is real. My old roommate had the transcript, yo.

Dave Schaefer | December 1, 2004 03:20 PM

"Worst. Espisode. Ever."

Great to see you back John! Good luck with getting over the sickness.

Lawrence Person | December 1, 2004 08:40 PM

I know it's parody, but no one would have used the word "mujahideen" in 1978, as the Soviet Union didn't invade Afghanistan until December 1979.

Stefan Jones | December 1, 2004 08:55 PM

C'mon now, folks.

The "Star Wars Christmas Special" is an URBAN MYTH.

It never really existed.

Yes, you may "remember" seeing a two-hour special with wookies walking in space and Bea Arthur singing in a space bar, but c'mon, like that *really happened!*

Yes, there was the sketch on Saturday Night Live back in December '77, but that's it, nothing more. On such acorns mighty balls of twine are wound.

Really.

Don't press the issue. Don't go looking for the video tapes. They don't exist. They *can't* exist. A loving God and a rational universe would not *let* such a thing exist.

Leave it be.

John Scalzi | December 1, 2004 09:04 PM

Lawrence Person writes:

"I know it's parody, but no one would have used the word 'mujahideen' in 1978, as the Soviet Union didn't invade Afghanistan until December 1979."

This is incorrect. The movement known as the Afghan mujahideen began in June of 1978 as a result of the communist coup in Afghanistan in April of that year. It certainly became more well-known after the Soviet invasion; however, as a group they predate the invasion. Brezezinski himself notes this in a 1998 interview with Le Nouvel Observateur (see at http://www.counterpunch.org/brzezinski.html) when he mentions the decision of the Carter Administration to secretly furnish intelligence aid to the mujahideen six months *before* the Soviet invasion.

In short, the use of the word (and of the Muppets dressed up as the fighters the word represents) in 1978 is not anachronistic, merely slightly ahead of the curve of media perception. And we all know how hip the Muppets were to cool new trends, particularly in anti-communist insurgencies.

Ian Mathers | December 1, 2004 09:18 PM

Actually, I'm pretty sure Rand wouldn't chuckle. That would require her to be human, and we all know she was a robot.

Still, good article. I'd love to see David Cronenberg do a Christmas special!

Lawrence Person | December 1, 2004 10:13 PM

Certainly there was widespread (if local and unfocused) resistance to the Khalq regime in 1978, especially after the arrest of Abdul Qadir. However, I do not believe that any of the numerous resistance groups were known as "mujahideen" in the West until 1980 or later. I would be most interested in hearing a contemporary source for term being used earlier than that in reference to the Afghan resistance. Anyone have access to an OED? (I'm relying on Newell's The Struggle for Aghanistan, Arnold's The Faithful Pebble and his earlier Afghanistan: The Soviet Invasion in Perspective, Borovik's The Hidden War and Shams' In Cold Blood: The Communist Conquest of Afghanistan (alas, no index either of those), and Bradsher's Afghanistan and the Soviet Union. (I used to have a copy of Klass' Afghanistan: The Great Game Revisited, but it was a loaner and I had to give it back.))

Still spoilingthe parody through analysis...

Steve Brady | December 1, 2004 10:20 PM

I'd never read any Rand until a girl I liked told me that Atlas Shrugged was her favorite book and that I should read it.

It didn't work out. B) But your parody was a nice tonic.

John Scalzi | December 1, 2004 10:34 PM

"I would be most interested in hearing a contemporary source for term being used earlier than that in reference to the Afghan resistance."

From the Encyclopedia Britannica:

"The roots of the war lay in the overthrow of the centrist government of President Mohammad Daud Khan in April 1978 by left-wing military officers led by Nur Mohammad Taraki. Power was thereafter shared by two Marxist-Leninist political groups, the People's (Khalq) Party and the Banner (Parcham) Party, which had earlier emerged from a single organization, the People's Democratic Party of Afghanistan, and had reunited in an uneasy coalition shortly before the coup. The new government, which had little popular support, forged close ties with the Soviet Union, launched ruthless purges of all domestic opposition, and began extensive land and social reforms that were bitterly resented by the devoutly Muslim and largely anticommunist population. Insurgencies arose against the government among both tribal and urban groups, and all of these—known collectively as the mujahideen (Arabic: mujahidun, “those who engage in jihad”)—were Islamic in orientation. These uprisings, along with internal fighting and coups within the government between the People's and Banner factions, prompted the Soviets to invade the country in December 1979, sending in some 30,000 troops and toppling the short-lived presidency of People's leader Hafizullah Amin."

"Afghan War." Encyclopædia Britannica. 2004. Encyclopædia Britannica Premium Service.
30 Nov. 2004 .

It's also worth noting that according to Britannica's dictionary, the word "mujuhideen" itself dates back to 1922, so it had a general usage in the Arabic language before being used specifically to refer to the Afghan resistance.

rastajenk | December 1, 2004 10:41 PM

You need to update it to include "Dr. Phil's Christmas in Washington Special." Except that it's real.
http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=109&STORY=/www/story/11-15-2004/0002456803&EDATE=

Chuck Moul | December 1, 2004 10:42 PM

Regarding Stefan Jones thoughts on the mythical Star Wars Christmas episode:

I can't vouch for a television special, but there was indeed an album (I believe titled "A Star Wars Christmas.") It's signature song had to be "What do you get a Wookie for Christmas (when he already has a comb)?"

Good times.

David | December 1, 2004 10:49 PM

The Orson Welles parody is reminiscent of the "The Night the Reindeer Died!", the beginning shot in the movie "Scrooged!". And that was a premonition of terrorism to come! (Allalu Akbar! and a Happy New Year , too!)
Still, great fun. I laughed out loud several times.
Dorothy Parker, Santa's chimney. Rich.

Malevoces | December 1, 2004 10:57 PM

It is possible that I will one day stop laughing over the Ayn Rand Selfish Christmas but I doubt it.

John Benne | December 1, 2004 11:12 PM

Fahrenheit Ho Ho Ho, a Michael Moore Christmas.

A John Kerry White House Christmas. (Cancelled before release)

John Scalzi | December 2, 2004 12:20 AM

John Benne:

"Fahrenheit Ho Ho Ho, a Michael Moore Christmas."

Given Santa's set-up at the North Pole -- lots of labor issues with the elves, one would imagine -- "Santa & Me" would be the more likely Moore Christmas Special, I would think.

Mary Kay | December 2, 2004 02:32 AM

I want to see the Village People one. Yes, I am a sick and twisted puppy. I still wanna see it.

MKK

Mike | December 2, 2004 10:48 AM

This is just screaming hilarious. Best. Parody. Ever.

I wrote something similar a while back, "Perry Como's Hunchbacked Christmas Special with Quasimodo," which is far too long to post here. I would be glad to send it to you, John, as a small token of appreciation if you could provide me an e-mail address.

Sweet Lou | December 2, 2004 11:02 AM

The parody is fantastic as is, and the discussion of muppets and mujahideen in the comments thread makes it EVEN BETTER!

John Scalzi | December 2, 2004 11:06 AM

Sweet Lou: Well, glad you liked the muppet/mujhideen connection. I think it assures one and all that I actually research my nonsense.

Mike: Feel free to post it here if you like!

dagny taggart | December 2, 2004 11:11 AM

re Star Trek Christmas: The expendable crewman even dies in a Christmas episode?! Even the demented minds behind South Park allow Kenny to live through Christmas.

Kevin Q | December 2, 2004 11:33 AM

Dagny: "Even the demented minds behind South Park allow Kenny to live through Christmas."

Yes, but that was the most uncomforable South Park episode ever. Seriously, just let the poor kid die. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

Hanna | December 2, 2004 11:44 AM

Since we're being picky, I guess I can point out that the Finns didn't ally themselves with the Germans until the Continuation War which started in 1941. In 1939 they were still fighting the Soviets with the (moral) support of the Allied forces. So, as great as the Assassination of Saint Nicholas special sounds, you can't really blame the Finns!

Now I have to confess that, even though I knew there was a problem with the assassination special, I didn't realize that this was a parody until I got to the Cronenberg one! Still laughed my head off though.

Korla Pundit | December 2, 2004 11:55 AM

How could you leave out this non-classic:

A Very Morse Christmas

Inspector Morse refuses to give Sargeant Lewis a day off for Christmas, and retires to his study to attack the Guardian crossword and fall asleep to Ride of Valkyries.

He is awakened by the ghost of his boss, the now-appropriately named Strange. The spectral superintendent warns him that he is to be visited by three other ghosts that evening, and that he needs to cut back on the Laphroig, stop dating frumpy women with suicidal tendencies, and for God's sake, Morse, it wouldn't kill you to smile once in your life!

By the end, Morse has donned a Santa hat, is blowing through paper party favors, and is handing out jars of treacle to school children.

This is the episode that convinced Colin Dexter to kill off Morse and end the series.

Joe | December 2, 2004 12:02 PM

I loved the AR parody! And several others. :-)

Just for anyone who's interested - Rand actually loved Christmas. As an atheist, she didn't like the religious part. But she loved the idea of people celebrating their friendships (and of course themselves) by giving gifts from their 20th-century material abundance. I guess you could say she loved the commercialization! (that some religious people deplore)

cgeye | December 2, 2004 12:04 PM

The Mercury Theater of the Air Presents the Assassination of Saint Nicholas? I downloaded the airchecks three years ago, when The Man allowed that sort of thing openly.

I am weeping at my desk, dammit -- I'd pay cash money at the MT&R to watch these. I'd pay cash money just to see Mrs. Claus in her William Ware Theiss bodysuit (with fur collar and strategic torso cutouts, of course)and her gray, high, hairpiece, but then again, I'm sick, too....

Ann | December 2, 2004 12:54 PM

Michael Ironside as Santa? I am *so* having nightmares tonight.

Dave | December 2, 2004 01:09 PM

Sadly, "A Most Illogical Holiday" sounds better than most of the 1968-69 season...

JSAllison | December 2, 2004 01:10 PM

Hmm, I thought inspector Morse was killed in an auto accident when his Jag saloon was t-boned by a Trabant driven by Inspector Frost...

rick mcginnis | December 2, 2004 01:38 PM

Living so close to the Canadian border, John, I'm surprised that you didn't know that David Cronenberg directs ALL of the CBC's Christmas specials. Of course, they're blocked from American viewers by order of the CRTC, though I hear you can get them on grey-market satellite dishes.

I'll never forget the one where Santa's sleigh crashes into an Air Canada Airbus over Regina - Santa survives, but he develops an obsession with mid-air crashes, and spends his time in junkyards running his hands erotically over crumpled ailerons and fuselage pieces. That year, all the children receive charred chunks of bent aluminum and hydraulic tubing personally "christened" by Santa with samples of his own DNA material. Holly Hunter played Mrs. Clause in a red velvet corset with strategically exposed areas. It was well reviewed by Sight & Sound, I believe.

I have a tape if you want one, eh?

Jacob | December 2, 2004 01:38 PM

This is funny!!!

Alice | December 2, 2004 02:00 PM

I'm sorry to say that The Star Wars holiday special does exist. I have it burned on a DVD. It's sooo terrible (shudder).

james | December 2, 2004 02:03 PM

http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0193524/

Alex | December 2, 2004 02:41 PM

Must.... Breathe.... Dammit, Scalzi, if I rupture something, I'm sending YOU the hospital bill!
"Seasonal material of a sort finally appears in the 23rd minute when Dorothy Parker, already on her fifth drink, can be heard to remark, "one more of these and I'll be sliding down Santa's chimney."" BAHAAHAHAHA*GASP* Oww..... my.... lungs and..... peritoneum....!

Doctor Slack | December 2, 2004 02:43 PM

What's so disturbing is how PLAUSIBLE they all are as actual Christmas specials. The only one that gives the game away slightly is Noam Chomsky (who isn't any species of deconstructionist); otherwise it's pitch-perfect...

Orv | December 2, 2004 04:42 PM

Hilarious. The scary thing is how plausible some of these seem. I remember watching the Family Guy episode that involved a special called "Kiss Saves Santa" and thinking, "you know, that's not all that far fetched."

Michelle | December 2, 2004 04:57 PM

I just came across this one today:

Nanny Christmas Special: Oy to the World

It's animated, folks. And just so you know, there's going to be a Nanny Reunion Special Monday night!

Howard Roark | December 2, 2004 06:59 PM

Dave:

I'll take "A Most Illogical Holiday" over "Spock's Brain" anyday.

Howard Roark | December 2, 2004 07:29 PM

Yeah, I've read The Fountainhead and most of Rand's philosophical works, and I'm about 1/2 the way through Atlas Shrugged. Laughed my ass off at the parody. Her philosophy is sound, but the way she presents it is rather garrish, and at times, her personal flaws kept her from living up to it. Still, you're talking about someone who wrote several great American novels only a few years after learning the English language (even though she never got the hang of Anglo-American names: eg. Dagny, Ellsworth, Gail (as a man's name)).

God has yet to put two things on Earth: A Jew who everyone agrees with, and a Russian who can write a short, mellow novel. Ayn Rand was no exception.

Publius | December 2, 2004 08:06 PM

I actually received a Christmas card from an Objectivist "friend" once.

In stark black and white, it read:

"Deck the halls with thought and reason.
Joy and happiness have no season"

I am not making this up, and it was not tongue-in-cheek.

Jeff | December 2, 2004 08:16 PM

There is little that Scalzi could have done to make the Star Wars Holiday Special more unbelievable than it was.

Korla Pundit | December 2, 2004 08:56 PM

>Hmm, I thought inspector Morse was killed in an auto accident when his Jag saloon was t-boned by a Trabant driven by Inspector Frost...

They both took their eyes off the road when they saw James Bond driving a -- gulp! -- German car!

Mike | December 2, 2004 09:56 PM

John:

'Preciate the offer, but "Perry Como's Hunchbacked Christmas Special" is a 15-page Word document. A bit long for here, I should think.

Joe | December 3, 2004 01:09 AM

How about Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911 Christmas? Who chose this damn Santa, anyway? At the Council of Nicaea in 325, the vote for Archbishop of the Arctic was close and bitter. Pope Sylvester I ultimately installed his candidate (Nicholas bishop of Myra, later St. Nick), but we all "know" that the candidate of the missionaries to Germany (one Kris Kringle) really won, right? If only Kris had been the Santa during the disastrous barbarian invasions!! Because St. Nick's evil agenda knew no bounds, including as it did the ENSLAVEMENT of the Arctic Elf nations and worldwide domination of all Christmas toy-giving. Who asked Nick to start giving anything to kids outside of the old Roman borders? And check out the way Clement Moore picked his nose while he wrote that poem of shameless propaganda, and how Mrs. Claus claimed there was a connection between the barbarian invasions and the fall of Rome when we all know there couldn't have been!! But later, Internet bloggers pointed out how Moore had manipulated Mrs. Claus' quote to falsify her intent and slam her unfairly.

Patti M. | December 3, 2004 09:37 AM

Incredibly funny!!!

When I read the Ayn Rand special, I laughed a bit to long and loud at the office, which got me some stares...

Dan | December 3, 2004 11:41 AM

Very funny...the Star Trek entry hits the nail on the head.

Mary R | December 3, 2004 12:57 PM

The scary thing is that there really was a Ted Nugent reality show on VH1. We sort of stumbled across it. Don't know if there was any promotion for it. Basically Ted putting a group of rather silly young people through "survival" tests while he and his lovely wife sat in their house, ate, drank and gossiped about the participants.

Review: Sucked.

Aeon Skoble | December 3, 2004 01:18 PM

This is the funniest and best-executed satirical pieces I've ever seen, easily on par with mid-70s NatLamp satires. You the man.

Note to "Howard Roark": you're a bit hasty on the Rand-names issue. Recall Bears football player Gayle Sayers, and who could forget Entertainment Tonight "correspondent" Dagny Hultgren! But seriously, "never getting the hang of it" overstates the case, no? There are tons of "normal" anglophone names in her books. Like yours.

John Scalzi | December 3, 2004 01:23 PM

Mary R wrote:

"The scary thing is that there really was a Ted Nugent reality show on VH1."

Yeah, I saw that (which is to say, I heard about it, not watched it). It happened after I wrote the piece, so I had a nice moment of "ahead of the curve"-ness, after which I promptly forgot about it.

Achilles | December 3, 2004 08:56 PM

Thank you. That was wonderful.

Brock | December 3, 2004 10:36 PM

As to the comments about the Ayn Rand parody, I always find taking the mickey out of people with fundamentalist philosophies amusing. But as to the possibility of her being amused, well, Do Androids Grin At Electric Japes?

...Brock.

Josh Abrams | December 4, 2004 01:34 AM

You forgot A Very Pacman Christmas!

Scott | December 4, 2004 01:21 PM

What, no mention of "Olivia Newton John's Xanadu Christmas", "Rudolph: Fearless Leader of the Red-Hearted Reindeer Proletariat"(children's animated feature with songs/narration by Burl Ives) or "Holiday Crime Stories Re-enacted by Robert Stack"? Your list, while certainly a terrific sampling of our vast and indomitable media culture, is by no means exhaustive. More. Please.

Joe | December 4, 2004 09:59 PM

And who could forget John Edward's (the TV host not the candidate) "Christmas Wishes from the Other Side"? "You're thinking of a holiday....I'm getting a 'C'....is anyone thinking of a holiday that begins with 'C'?"

Joe | December 4, 2004 10:04 PM

Receiving scant attention, almost no viewership at all, was the CBS Forged Document Christmas with Dan Rather and the staff of 60 Minutes II.

richard | December 5, 2004 02:45 AM

Excellent. I'm a big fan of the Ayn Rand special... too funny.

Mike | December 6, 2004 12:43 PM

Don't forget The Right Before Christmas with Rush Limbaugh as "Saint Nicholas"; if I'm not mistaken, some of his helpers, The Gnomes of the Gnorth Pole, included Sean, Drudge, OReilly, Condi and Chalabi. Can't remember all the reindeers' names but some of them were Oxy, Cotin, Shock and Awe. Kind of creepy how Saint Nick would visit the houses of the good boys and girls to steal the presents of 90% of the children and redistribute them to the children of the richest 10%

MkeChaz | December 6, 2004 03:52 PM

What a great list. Thanks for making me smiile.

Thanks!

XxX | December 6, 2004 05:40 PM

Not funny

Carol | December 8, 2004 05:00 PM

I may have said this before, but I think I *heart* you, John Scalzi.

Scary thing is, I can actually see Ted Nugent taping something like that.

Egg nog with Romulan Ale, mmmm...

Eddie | November 24, 2006 10:05 AM

Someday maybe some cable network will have the cojones to show Christmas with The Nuge.

Old Kill'em and Grill'em Himself.A great American, just misunderstood.

LMFAO.

An incredible piece.Thanks for re-posting for those of us who missed it.

My wife Anne is a big fan of Ayn Rand and StarTrek. She just about blew coffee out of her nose laughing.

spinetingler | December 3, 2006 12:16 PM

>Joe
>Receiving scant attention, almost no viewership at all, was the CBS Forged Document Christmas with Dan Rather and the staff of 60 Minutes II.

See, comedy is hard.

Owen Valenti | December 4, 2006 04:03 PM

The Rolling Stones postpone a show in the US to allow singer Sir Mick Jagger time to rest his voice...

Owen Valenti | December 4, 2006 04:05 PM

The Rolling Stones postpone a show in the US to allow singer Sir Mick Jagger time to rest his voice...

Peg McCreary | December 11, 2006 10:38 AM

Hey John Scalzi,

Thanks so much for reposting your terrific Top Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time. I had the Chomsky section of it cut out and posted on my studio wall for a year and yesterday when I went to look for it, it had fallen off was no longer to be found. It is one of the funnier items I've ever seen and I wanted to pass it along to a friend.

Have a great Chomsky (or otherwise) Christmas !

Peg M

mrG | December 16, 2006 09:27 PM

Alas, of what use is parody when history records such gems as the Star Wars Christmas Special? No matter how clever, fiction could never compete with the likes of such realities.

David | December 22, 2006 02:57 AM

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Jerry Mac | January 1, 2007 12:38 PM

How about "Richard Nixon's Hello Hanoi Xmas Special" from '69 or '70.He dropped many presents on the people of North Vietnam in the form of 500 pound bombs.

Quinn | January 31, 2007 12:45 AM

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December 01, 2004

The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time

The Ten Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time

By John Scalzi

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