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June 20, 2003

Book of the Dumb Headlines

I spent most of the day writing articles for The Book of the Dumb, and while I can't share those with you right at the moment, I thought you might enjoy the headlines to some of the articles. Puzzle at their context-free non-sequitur-ositiy! Contemplate what they might be about! Pre-order the book! (Actually, you can).

Anyway, headlines:

* And Iowa's Streets Will Flow Cornhusker Red!

* Later in the Day, The NRA Went Through The Halls Shooting Blanks

* You Know, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Had a Fabulous Singing Voice

* For Extra Credit, Fight Off the Burly Cellmate Who Calls You "Girlfriend"

* And Every Sunday, She Buys New Pumps To Dance on His Grave

* On The Other hand, Give Them 15 Minutes And You'll Have a Danielle Steele Novel

* 50,000 Volts Is Just God's Way of Telling You to Play Through

* First We Take Austria. Then Lichtenstein Will Fall Like a Plump Grape.

* Also, When You Send Your Pet Cow to Kansas City, Don't Expect it to Go Sightseeing

* Hakencreuzing For a Bruising

Yeah, I'm having fun.

Posted by john at June 20, 2003 07:59 PM

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harmony | June 21, 2003 01:32 PM

Well, it certainly looks like you are having a good time. I do feel compelled to tell you, though, that Hakenkreuz is spelled with 2 Ks and is pronounced sort of like hahken-kroits.

FYI: http://www.bartleby.com/61/wavs/78/H0017800.wav

So it doesn't rhyme with bruising at all.

mark | June 21, 2003 02:11 PM

- some sort of drunkenness thing?
- school shooting and/or NRA idiocy
- Um... no
- Credit card fraud gone wrong
- Money-related, stupid boyfriend thing?
- All's I can think of here is the Infinite Monkey Theorum (aka "Danielle Steele's writing process")
- Playing golf during a storm
- Probably related to the Thirty Years War
- Uh... probably *not* Wizard of Oz...
- WTF is Hakkencreuz?

(I'm way off, aren't I?)

Oh yeah, on the theme of dumbness, I heard on the radio a while ago they were polling for Worst Driver in Canberra. Some woman rang in to nominate her 17-year-old son: why? Because, late at night, half-pissed, he decided to "drag" with the blokes in the car beside him. Alas, the car beside him was an unmarked police car, and they weren't too amused.

Zelda | June 22, 2003 11:49 AM

Iowans are Hawkeyes. Nebraskans are CornHuskers.

John Scalzi | June 22, 2003 02:54 PM

Zelda: I know. Remember -- you're missing the context.

mark | June 23, 2003 06:10 AM

So John: was I close?

John Scalzi | June 23, 2003 08:12 AM

Two of them are very close, Mark. But to drive you completely insane, I won't tell you which two.

wendell | June 27, 2003 06:07 AM

I know I'm late to the party, but I wanna play!

*I didn't know there was a border war between Iowa and Nebraska. (The one between Minnesota and Wisconsin grabs all the headlines).
*NRA? Dang, misread it as NBA. Thought the rate of missed free-throws had skyrocketed...
*And I thought they gave free passes OUT of the Gulag for prisoners who "sing".
*They gave up on educating prisoners to be good citizens and are now trying to teach them to be better prisoners.
*You've made a psychic connection with John Belushi and he really regrets doing that "last survivor of SNL" sketch. (John Edward Scalzi? Yikes!)
*It's that 'monkeys writing Shakespeare' meme, isn't it? What are the monkeys in that experiment doing these days... besides blogging?
*Hey, the combined five-iron/cattle prod is very useful on many Midwestern courses.
*Lichtenstein fell like a plump grape long ago. Now it's a plump raisin.
*Sing along! Everything's up to date in Kansas City!
They've gone about as fur as they can go!
For fifty cents you can buy a.... uh... nevermind.
*I used to Hakencruez, but this new wonder drug cleared it all up (however I still have a krebulous discharge from my hangunschleugen, and an occasional recurrance of Schadenfreude)

But I digress.
What I really wanted to know is:
Apparently, Amazon already knows that the book you're writing is going to be 320 pages long.
What happens if you're right in the middle of a really good story when you hit 320?